Unfair and Undeserved

In one of my past posts I talked about past trauma or grief being a bit like a book that flies off a bookshelf and hits you as you pass by. Sometimes the book just sort of stuns you and it hurts, certainly, but you can keep on walking. Other times the book knocks you flat on your ass. And you can’t keep on walking at that moment. 

As I walk this journey of healing, I strive for those moments when the book doesn’t put me on my ass. But yesterday, that’s exactly what happened. And you know what? It’s okay.

Hurting deeply means you cared deeply. 

We are allowed to take a moment and lay on the floor where that book hit us and cry. We are allowed to call it whatever it is–unfair, undeserved, etc. Because most likely, it is VERY unfair and VERY undeserved. There are times when calling it what it is — unfair and undeserved — is exactly what is called for and exactly what will help you get through the really, really rough stuff in this life. Now, I’m not talking about those things that we knowingly do to ourselves that could’ve been avoided, like last night when I ate something I knew would give me problems and am today suffering for it. No, I’m talking about when you are completely out of control of the situation. When someone passes away, for example. Or maybe you did everything you could do and the outcome was still unfair and undeserved.

Relationships–friendships, partnerships, family ties–are always a gamble because you never know what the future holds or how people–you included–will behave in all circumstances, always.

However much we try, we cannot control and predict the outcome of a connection with someone. But, if we are wise, we connect with others anyway. Perhaps selectively. And definitely with healthy boundaries. But we connect because there is meaning there. 

We find joy as well as pain through our connections. 

And, in my experience, the meaning and joy are worth the pain. 

That’s why it’s okay to let yourself feel the pain for a bit and stay on the floor when that books knocks you down. Maybe snuggle with a pet while you’re down there. It’s part of life and it’s okay. 

 

 

 

 

 

You can even call on a friend, or a few friends and they can lay on the floor with you. Just hang out. Maybe bring a blanket, or some wine and chocolate.

Then, when you’re ready…

They can help you get back up.

And they can help you laugh again. 

I hear laughter is healing. 🙂

Recovery Sucks

A friend of mine was healing from a rather serious foot injury and when someone asked how her foot was doing she replied, “Foot better, recovery sucks!!”

Honestly, I think this is how we all feel at times. Whether we are healing from physical, mental, or emotional damages, we can sometimes tell that things are getting better, but the process is frustrating and long. In my friends’ words, it sucks!

I was talking to a friend of mine who has done divorce support and recovery work for a number of years and after telling him my story, he mentioned that it would probably take me about a year to heal from mine. My stomach lurched at this news. “A year???” I thought. “But I wanna be healed from this now!”

Sometimes I think that knowing how long something is going to take and having expectations around that is part of the problem. I mean, who is to say that it will take me exactly a year? Who’s to say it won’t be shorter? Or longer? I just gotta let that go and face the pain that comes with emotional healing as it comes.

During the months and years after a loss occurs, there are times when we will be going about our daily lives and something triggers this loss and we feel it sort of all over again. In my experience trauma follows the same pattern. It’s kind of like if you were walking past a shelf of books and one just flies off the shelf and hits you in the head.

Sometimes the book hits at full force and it takes you down. Sometimes the book hits at half speed and you’re pained, but can keep walking.

That’s about where I am today. I’m a bit tender from where the book hit me yesterday, but I’ll manage.

Yesterday, I was reminded of one of the more painful parts of the divorce. For me, my ex leaving was a hit to my self worth on a very deep level. It was basically a very loud and clear message that when someone lives with me day in and day out and has to put up with my most unattractive self, they will walk away and say, “You’re not worth it.”

This is the way my ex put it: “I knew marriage was going to be work, but I didn’t know it was going to be this much work.” And, basically, he was done working.

Now, I have lots of people who would and do put in the work and time it takes to be my friend–to be a very close friend, at that–despite the fact that I am not always great to them and that it takes serious work to be friends with me. I love you and I appreciate you SO MUCH. Because without you, I would believe–without question–that I am not worth the work. I would believe that I am too flawed and too awful to stay in relationship with, once you go “all-in” with me.

The issue with my ex is around expectations. My expectation was that he would stick it out. He said his vows which meant that he would work to stay in relationship with me–stay married to me. But, he didn’t. And that surprised me. Not all surprises are good.

But also, not everything that is painful is bad. If you know me and have seen me grow and change since last September, I think you will notice that I am happier, lighter and have that sparkle in my eye that I used to have when I was 15 or so. The end of my marriage was a good thing, but good things don’t always feel good.

That’s the thing about recovery and healing. It doesn’t always feel good. And usually, at the beginning, it hurts more! Healing doesn’t come in a straight line of increasing healing. It’s more like waves. You’re good, and then it hits you. You’re good again, and then it hits you again. But some day, you’ll make it to the shore and the waves won’t be able to knock you down or pull you under any more.

Naples Beach

If you are going through some sort of healing–especially mental/emotional–please know that if it hurts, that’s not necessarily a bad sign. It could be a good sign. It could mean that you have hit on something that needs to be worked on or worked out.

Reach out for help. Healing and recovery doesn’t have to be a lonely road. God knows I wouldn’t be doing so well today if I hadn’t leaned on every single person that I could think of when my ex left.

Friends, thank you for reminding me that I am worth your time and your effort. Please know that you are worth it, too.

Beloved, may you find a slice of peace and joy today and every day. 🙂