We Need More Rest…No, Seriously

Two weeks ago, I launched back into blogging with this post: Let’s Rest More

Yesterday, I visited a friend in the psych ward of a hospital. They mentioned how they were just trying to get some sleep and said, “They’re feed us real good. I had salmon for dinner!”

You guys.

The psych ward is this person’s quiet camp.

I re-read my post about my quiet camp experience and discovered that I created my own psych ward. Only I was allowed to walk outside in the green grass and trees. I was also allowed to have my phone, pen and notebook.

But sometimes we need all the things taken away from us so that we can let it go and just rest. It seems that this is exactly what this person was experiencing. A forced shut-down for a short period of time.

But, what happens when they have to re-enter their life? With its hardships and our mental state being only temporarily helped by the rest and nourishment received by the stay in hospital?

Our home lives must be places of rest and rejuvenation. Our regular lives must allow us space and time to heal. Or we are going to end up cycling back to the same place with the same problems.

I’m not about that negative cycle life. I’d much rather work to change and build a new thing, than continuing a nasty cycle of pain and suffering.

I don’t get the point of calling people who need healing and change “crazy” and locking them up in a hospital. Sometimes we need saving from ourselves, yes, but don’t call us crazy. Or, if you do, then we’re all crazy. All of us need rest and nourishment. Some of us are literally driven into a place where we cannot function at all anymore. We are simply done. We have nothing left to give. There is no fight left. And that’s when we end up in hospitals.

But do we find healing there? Lasting healing?

I don’t know.

But what I do know, is this:

Things have got to change.

There is no amount of effort that isn’t worth change. Not for me. I’ve seen what years of working for change can do in my own life. I put loads and loads of my time and money into counseling, retreats, reading books, mentoring, accountability groups and more in order to change myself. In order to transform myself into … me! A joy-filled, peace-loving, unchained version of me.

I lived for many, many years with the chains of other people’s expectations upon me. It took a mental and physical toll on me.

Today, I am a transformed person. And it seems that I will continue to transform as I continue to put time, money and effort into counseling, books, retreats and supportive (as well as challenging) friendships.

The truth is, I am in a good place now. I know what I need and I know how to get it and I do not apologize for my needs.

If I could just get more rest, though…things would be even better! I wouldn’t end up crying and wailing on the couch because I just CAN’T COPE. (Yeah, this was me this morning.) My brain would be able to function. All the “pistons” in my brain would be firing, so to speak.

For years I was on serotonin related anti-depressants and I can tell now that when I don’t rest enough my serotonin levels are affected negatively. (Isn’t that awesome?! I can tell now! I don’t need anyone else to tell me! Like a psychiatrist, doctor or counselor. Yay!!!)

When my brain hasn’t had enough rest, it simply functions tired. Less serotonin gets passed around up there.

Simple and true.

I know because I’ve tested this theory many, many times. I sleep and whatever thing I couldn’t cope with before is much less daunting when I wake. Joy comes in the morning, as they say. For me, it’s true.

So, you can bet your boots that I will be napping later today. Once the kid’s at daycare (and having a BLAST without me, I might add) and I’ve had lunch, I will rest.

Rest and nourishment.

It’s so simple.

At least something in life is simple, right? Whew.

Let’s Rest More

2015 was one of my best years ever. I got married in February, graduated with my Master’s degree in May and had a baby in late October.

A friend recently pointed out to me that those are three of the biggest life changes you can undergo in a life time. And they happened for me all within one year.

No wonder I almost lost my mind.

 

These three changes, especially the first and last one, required a lot of me and a lot from me.

Once I had the baby, I was in survival mode. You know that mode. When you fade in and out of insanity.

I lived that way until last week when I went away to quiet camp.

 

There, I rested.

 

At quiet camp there was no schedule.

Nothing on my to do list.

Nothing on my calendar.

Meals were served at 8:00am, Noon and 6:00pm.

I was not obligated to be anywhere, to do anything, or be anything to anybody except myself.

I was able to show up and be present with myself.

I was able to hear and respond to my needs.

 

My needs were simple:

Nourish myself.

Rest.

 

And so I did that.

For four days.

 

I nourished myself with the environment around me.

Lush forest and wildlife to observe and get “lost” in.

Enjoying the sunrise.

 

I nourished myself with the beauty of the place.

The little things that go unnoticed in my busy, hurried daily life.

Enjoying a rainy day

 

I nourished myself with food and drink.

So simple.

So needed.

Coffee, eggs with sriracha and bacon.

 

It was transformational.

I was transformed.

I re-discovered my joy and my gratitude for life. I had been so busy surviving big life changes (oh, did I mention I suddenly changed jobs a month before the retreat?) that I hadn’t even noticed that I had lost my joy and gratitude for life. Before the retreat, I found myself waking up angry, many days. Angry and anxious.

I believe presence with one’s self, nourishment of one’s self, and rest of one’s self, is the antidote to much of our personal anxiety, pain and anger.

We are living in a culture, an era, an environment that encourages us to pack our days, our weeks, our months, with stuff. Lots of it is good stuff! But there isn’t enough time in our days, weeks and months to do ALL the good stuff. Just today I said “No, thank you,” to a lunch with some friends because I need rest.

Yes, you read that right. I went to a camp for a week and rested the whole time. I have been back for a week and I need more rest.

YES! We need more rest! All of us!

 

Please note that I am not generalizing nourishment and rest as the solution to everything for everyone in every situation.

What I am saying is this: our culture does not know how to help us heal from things that have gone right or wrong in life, nor does our culture know how to help us go about our lives with joy FOR life! With joy for the moment, for the present, for our existence, for the world in which we find ourselves.

We need to figure out how to heal and how to live with joy on our own. Western society does not and will not teach it to us. It can’t.

Especially in today’s world of weeping and gnashing of teeth over the American political situation. We must re-discover our joy for life! We must learn how to mourn, how to name our pain, and then how to HEAL. I want us all to come out of this alive. And this fight requires so much of ourselves. It’s hard and it hurts.

We need healing.

And healing requires rest.

Healing requires time and nourishment.

It is my mission now to re-invent how I do life. I will get rid of stuff–even some of the good stuff– in order to make way for the most important things. One of which is rest.

On the top of my list of priorities it now says:

REST, my love

If I am going to be a beacon of hope, love and joy in this world, I need to make those things real in my own life, too.

How are you finding joy today? In this moment?

What does your path to healing look like?

 

The Healing Power of “No”

Throughout my journey of growth and healing over the past decade, the habit of saying, “no” has been a surprising avenue to healing.

For my mental health and healing, saying “No” when people ask me to do things sends the message to myself that my time is valuable and so am I. There was somehow a connection for me between having to say yes to anyone else’s needs or requests and my sense of self-worth. Underneath it all, I held the belief that other people’s needs were always more important than mine because other people were always more important than me. While it is important for us as humans to value other people, my values were out of balance. It wasn’t that I was being humble or prioritizing serving others. It was that I did not exist in the equation much, if at all.

So, when I started saying, “No,” it not only was difficult, but it also started to transform my value of myself without me really realizing it at the time. And as I started to say, “No,” it freed up my calendar for other things that were self-caring, like grocery shopping and cooking!

And what happens when Diana is in the kitchen more? She’s eating more healing foods! Hallelujah!

Saying no, even to those things that sound fun (which there are a lot of) frees one’s self up for healing activities like going for walks, taking hot baths, reading something just for fun and just generally doing things that bring you energy and joy! Like play the ukulele! 😀

I still struggle with saying no. For me, the hardest task now is saying no when someone offers me something out of kindness and generosity. Often times for me, this has to do with food.

Hearing the phrases “Let’s go out to eat,” and “I made you this _______,” makes me cringe. It is so difficult for me to say no to temptation when I’m out to eat. And not only that, but because I’m eating and talking with people, I often eat too much and get overfull and then guess what? Nausea for the next couple of hours thanks to pregnancy. (Did you know that eating 5-6 small meals a day during pregnancy helps with nausea? At least for me. Such an easy fix!) And when someone MAKES me something?! Oh man. That’s rough. Honestly, this happens very rarely because most people I work with and see on a regular basis know my weird food issues and plan accordingly. (I have the most wonderful co-workers, family and friends!!! Seriously!!! You all are SUPER GREAT!!!) Being honest with co-workers, family and friends and telling them, “Sorry, it’s best if I don’t eat that…” (which is a nicely worded way of saying no) was really, REALLY hard at first.

For me, if someone makes you something or gives you something, you accept the gift. Pretty much without exception. So, breaking this internal law of sorts was almost painful at first. But I had to trust that people would understand and if their feelings were hurt, they would get over it and things would be okay.

And guess what? Now it’s all good. People just have been rolling with it and I couldn’t be more amazed and thankful!!! Even the hubs has learned how to make chocolate cookies that I can eat!

I encourage you to say no and to be honest about your needs, whatever they may be. You are valuable and should be treated as such by others and by your own self. 🙂

XOXO,

Diana

Actions Change Things

For a little under 10 years now, I have been working on this whole self-care thing that everyone kept telling me was so important. So, when my dear friend, Rev. Michelle Wilkey, asked me to explore this question:

“How can you love yourself more today?”

I smiled and thought, “How perfect.” So much of what I do in my personal and professional life can be traced back to my passion of helping to pull people towards actions that are more loving towards themselves.

I see so many people looking for love and care outside of themselves and being so deeply hurt when they do not find it.

When I was 20, this would’ve described me to a T. I needed affirmation and love from others because that was the only place I was getting any sense of love and belonging. I think this is a fundamental human need, HOWEVER, this cannot be our only source of love or we will always come up lacking.

You can be a great source of comfort, love and belonging for yourself. This plus love from others creates a well spring of strength and joy.

So, how do you love yourself?

I have been reading “all about love” by bell hooks. She highlights the following definition of love from the work of Erich Fromm:

“He defines love as ‘the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.’ Explaining further, he continues: ‘Love is as love does. Love is an act of the will–namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.'” 

Put simply, love is a verb. We love in action and choice.

You can love yourself more today by doing something for you–just you–that communicates the explicit message that you are valuable and worthy of your own tender care.

Answer this question: What do you enjoy doing, by yourself, just for you?

For me, one easy, cheap, go-to activity for sending myself the message that I am valuable and worthy of my own tender care is to take a candle-lit bubble bath. Sometimes I will fill a wine glass with cool water and drink that while I have a couple pieces of dark chocolate and just relax in the bath.

Other things that have worked for me:

• Walk to the park and swing on the swing set.
• Sit outside in the sun.
• Give myself a manicure or a pedicure.
• Cooking for myself. Just for me. Recently this has turned into a very self-loving action. I send myself the message that I am worth the time and effort it takes to make myself a healthy, good-all-the-way-down, meal. Then I store up the leftovers in the fridge and/or freezer so that I will get the message that I am cared for and valued the next day as well.

This summer my favorite self-loving activity has been my trips to the beach.

Try some things. Heck maybe even try some new things! Explore and discover what you like to do just for you. Then, do that thing.

And yes, it has to be a solitary activity. It can’t be hanging out with your friends. Of course, continue to hang out with your friends (as long as they are also sending you messages that you are worth their loving care), but these activities have to be solitary so that you know it is YOU that values YOU. Get it?

One last question I would like you to ponder as you, very likely, struggle to prioritize self-caring activities:

Do you believe that you are worthy of love and belonging?

…

If the answer is no, please know that you are not alone. Also, I am 100% certain that a great many people totally disagree. 🙂 This belief that we are unworthy is what holds us back in so many ways. Underneath it all, no matter what we might say or what others might say, we believe we are unworthy of love and belonging. (For more on this, check out Brene Brown.)

It took me years to flip this mental script. It was a long journey to the belief that I am worthy of love and belonging. In some ways I think I am still on that journey. And it started with me treating myself differently in practical, simple ways. Ways like the ones listed above. Once my actions started to change, my thoughts started to change.

Revealing this underlying belief sheds light on it and it cannot last forever in the light because it is only a shadow. It is an untruth. And so it cannot live in the warm glow of the light.

“Maybe one of these days you can let the light in and show me how big your brave is.” -Sara Bareilles, Brave

When we turn the tide of love towards ourselves, we let the light in and it will transform us. Slowly things will change. The mind follows the body. When you physically do good to yourself persistently and regularly, your mind will change accordingly.

Pursuing Disconnection

I seem to be a bit stuck with this whole healing thing. I’ve been quite good at eating well and I’ve been more physically active over the past few weeks. However, I have not done much writing or meditating. In other words, I’m only taking care of 2/3 of the health & healing puzzle. (I compartmentalize things just to make them easier for me to think about and asses my progress with.)

This whole blog started because I desperately needed to get a handle on the food that was going into my body so that my intestines could start healing. It has taken me quite some time and it has been quite a roller coaster of success and failure, but I feel much better most days and that, in my book, is a delightful win! 🙂

However, as I blogged, I realized that my body is also in need of some mental healing as well. And last October I really picked up the journaling and meditating like my life depended upon it–cuz it sort of did. That was when my ex left and I felt more than a bit overwhelmed. So, I started a daily routine of writing in the mornings as I woke, doing a devotional in the morning or the evening on most days and I would pray with my beads as well as meditate in the evenings before bed. –> This really, REALLY helped. I can’t even explain in all the ways this helped, but for one thing, I found my direction. I was able to see where I needed to be going and go there. I got really behind in all of my classes, but through the help of a wise friend, some grace-filled professors and some hard work on my part, I was able to catch up and finish the semester well. WOO! That’s another win!

But I think I got comfortable. I think my ego got a little out of control. I think, subconsciously, I thought I could get by without doing those things anymore. Because by the time January hit, these self care habits had gone by the wayside. I had abandoned them, thinking that I could do this life well without them.

Well sure, I can do life without them. But it’s going to suck more. I already feel a bit swept away by a tide I cannot see and don’t understand. So, it’s time to re-dedicate myself to those things that only I can do for myself and that only I can make a priority for me. It’s called self care and I’m still learning just how crucial it is.

I think part of the problem is that our society very strongly leans towards the pursuit of disconnection. Just think of all the ways that we are able to disconnect from our lives and from each other:

TV, Movies, Fast Food (no waiter to have to interact with or tip), Eating in front of a screen, Cell Phones (texting, etc.), the list goes on. How do you veg out and numb out? There are lots of ways. (Oh, and just fyi, I don’t think there is anything fundamentally wrong with these things, just that we over-do them. Or, at the very least, I over-do them! HA! It’s all about balance.)

Disconnection is the lazy person’s game. (Read: I am prone to being lazy.)

It means you don’t have to get into the nitty-gritty, hard work of being in relationship with one’s self or with each other or with your higher power. There’s no challenge, nothing to wrestle with, and you can just numb out.

I think I have been pursuing disconnection. I’ve been watching a lot of TV, ignoring the pages and books that cry out for my attention (they’re on the coffee table right in front of me right now, even). I’ve been avoiding the hard questions and the hard word of healing.

And you know what? It’s okay. I’m giving myself a bit of grace on this one. However, now I will do differently. Now, I will walk another path. Now, it is time to intentionally re-connect with myself and with my higher power (I call her “God,” most days).

It is time to pursue connection. Quality connection with people and things that give me energy, light and life.

And just to be clear, it’s not that there is no connection when I am pursuing disconnection. It’s just that the connection is weakened. I want the connection to be strong. I want the Holy Spirit to move back into my life and shake things up. It’s what the Holy Spirit’s good at, anyway. She’s got this. And so do I.

As the saying goes, with God’s help, I will. 🙂

 

Here’s a pic of me watching the sunset at my favorite beach (so far). That’s some self care right there! 🙂

 

And here’s a sunset pic. These are just…oh my lands, YES

Letting Go of Desire

The question that has been with me for some time now is:

How do you let go of desire?

There are a great many things that can and do fall under the umbrella of “desire” such as love, money, education, health, food, physical needs, knowledge, fame, romantic relationship, children, safety, position in life, etc. These are just some possibilities. Really anything that you “want” can also be seen as something you “desire” and that is what I am talking about here.

For me personally, I have recently struggled quite a bit with desire. Specifically, it has been the desire to loose more weight.

Over the past two years, I have lost nearly 40 lbs from doing what this blog talks about–healing my body through food. The weight loss was a side effect of the change in my eating habits. At least, that’s my theory. And yes, I am eating. I’m eating plenty. I promise. A friend recently said, “Wow, you lost weight. You look good, but…I just have to ask…it’s because I care…are you eating?” (Thank you for asking, by the way! I appreciate it! After all the stress of this past year, that is a very valid question!) I’m eating meat, veggies, nuts, honey and fruit 90% of the time. No grains. No starches. No sweeteners–artificial or otherwise. No fried foods. Low on the salt, since I’m cooking it all myself pretty much. The other 10% of the time is when I eat something that I’m craving and then get “sick” as I call it. Basically, my symptoms come back, or start to, and I’m reminded of why I’m eating and living differently in the first place.

Here’s the thing. I never asked to loose weight. It was never a goal and I was intentional about it not being a goal and so, I let go of the desire to loose weight and focused all my energy on symptom elimination and overall wellness improvement.

And it is working! My symptoms are roughly 70% gone. If they’re not gone, they’re lessening or improving in some way. Since I’ve had many of these symptoms for YEARS, I figure it’s going to take time for everything to heal. I just try to make sure I’m eating a wide variety of vitamin rich fruits and veggies. I’m doing pretty good! Just gotta get more leafy greens in there.

Okay, so, enough with the details of what I’m eating and back to desire…

I really wasn’t seeing what other people were seeing until I saw this picture…

Washington D.C. Zoo, May 2009

Yeah, the seal is cute, but it was the tightness of the shirt that got my attention. See those rolls of fat on my side/back? They’ve been significantly minimized. Here’s a pic from today…

And as I look at this picture, I am happy with the change and I most certainly desire for a bit more change, a bit more minimizing, a bit more weight loss.

But here’s the thing. I really, REALLY want to let go of the desire to loss more weight. You know why? Cuz it leads me to be ungrateful and unhappy with the skin I am in now.

That is how I spent most of my life so far: wishing I were in someone else’s skin, or wishing my “me” was different than it was. And I am most certainly DONE wishing I was someone different than who I am.

I’m pretty darn fabulous. Back fat included. 🙂

So, I am just going to keep eating foods that create wellness within my body, keep taking care of myself in that really good way and let go of the desire to loose weight.

I am happy with my body now. It is pretty darn fabulous, what it does for me! And being in the skin I am in, that’s a gift that I treasure. 🙂

I am happy with my health now. It has greatly improved and so I am going to happily continue down this path of wellness and self care!

Besides, ain’t nobody got time for self hate.

Here’s some happy for ya…