Let’s Rest More

2015 was one of my best years ever. I got married in February, graduated with my Master’s degree in May and had a baby in late October.

A friend recently pointed out to me that those are three of the biggest life changes you can undergo in a life time. And they happened for me all within one year.

No wonder I almost lost my mind.

 

These three changes, especially the first and last one, required a lot of me and a lot from me.

Once I had the baby, I was in survival mode. You know that mode. When you fade in and out of insanity.

I lived that way until last week when I went away to quiet camp.

 

There, I rested.

 

At quiet camp there was no schedule.

Nothing on my to do list.

Nothing on my calendar.

Meals were served at 8:00am, Noon and 6:00pm.

I was not obligated to be anywhere, to do anything, or be anything to anybody except myself.

I was able to show up and be present with myself.

I was able to hear and respond to my needs.

 

My needs were simple:

Nourish myself.

Rest.

 

And so I did that.

For four days.

 

I nourished myself with the environment around me.

Lush forest and wildlife to observe and get “lost” in.

Enjoying the sunrise.

 

I nourished myself with the beauty of the place.

The little things that go unnoticed in my busy, hurried daily life.

Enjoying a rainy day

 

I nourished myself with food and drink.

So simple.

So needed.

Coffee, eggs with sriracha and bacon.

 

It was transformational.

I was transformed.

I re-discovered my joy and my gratitude for life. I had been so busy surviving big life changes (oh, did I mention I suddenly changed jobs a month before the retreat?) that I hadn’t even noticed that I had lost my joy and gratitude for life. Before the retreat, I found myself waking up angry, many days. Angry and anxious.

I believe presence with one’s self, nourishment of one’s self, and rest of one’s self, is the antidote to much of our personal anxiety, pain and anger.

We are living in a culture, an era, an environment that encourages us to pack our days, our weeks, our months, with stuff. Lots of it is good stuff! But there isn’t enough time in our days, weeks and months to do ALL the good stuff. Just today I said “No, thank you,” to a lunch with some friends because I need rest.

Yes, you read that right. I went to a camp for a week and rested the whole time. I have been back for a week and I need more rest.

YES! We need more rest! All of us!

 

Please note that I am not generalizing nourishment and rest as the solution to everything for everyone in every situation.

What I am saying is this: our culture does not know how to help us heal from things that have gone right or wrong in life, nor does our culture know how to help us go about our lives with joy FOR life! With joy for the moment, for the present, for our existence, for the world in which we find ourselves.

We need to figure out how to heal and how to live with joy on our own. Western society does not and will not teach it to us. It can’t.

Especially in today’s world of weeping and gnashing of teeth over the American political situation. We must re-discover our joy for life! We must learn how to mourn, how to name our pain, and then how to HEAL. I want us all to come out of this alive. And this fight requires so much of ourselves. It’s hard and it hurts.

We need healing.

And healing requires rest.

Healing requires time and nourishment.

It is my mission now to re-invent how I do life. I will get rid of stuff–even some of the good stuff– in order to make way for the most important things. One of which is rest.

On the top of my list of priorities it now says:

REST, my love

If I am going to be a beacon of hope, love and joy in this world, I need to make those things real in my own life, too.

How are you finding joy today? In this moment?

What does your path to healing look like?

 

Recovery Sucks

A friend of mine was healing from a rather serious foot injury and when someone asked how her foot was doing she replied, “Foot better, recovery sucks!!”

Honestly, I think this is how we all feel at times. Whether we are healing from physical, mental, or emotional damages, we can sometimes tell that things are getting better, but the process is frustrating and long. In my friends’ words, it sucks!

I was talking to a friend of mine who has done divorce support and recovery work for a number of years and after telling him my story, he mentioned that it would probably take me about a year to heal from mine. My stomach lurched at this news. “A year???” I thought. “But I wanna be healed from this now!”

Sometimes I think that knowing how long something is going to take and having expectations around that is part of the problem. I mean, who is to say that it will take me exactly a year? Who’s to say it won’t be shorter? Or longer? I just gotta let that go and face the pain that comes with emotional healing as it comes.

During the months and years after a loss occurs, there are times when we will be going about our daily lives and something triggers this loss and we feel it sort of all over again. In my experience trauma follows the same pattern. It’s kind of like if you were walking past a shelf of books and one just flies off the shelf and hits you in the head.

Sometimes the book hits at full force and it takes you down. Sometimes the book hits at half speed and you’re pained, but can keep walking.

That’s about where I am today. I’m a bit tender from where the book hit me yesterday, but I’ll manage.

Yesterday, I was reminded of one of the more painful parts of the divorce. For me, my ex leaving was a hit to my self worth on a very deep level. It was basically a very loud and clear message that when someone lives with me day in and day out and has to put up with my most unattractive self, they will walk away and say, “You’re not worth it.”

This is the way my ex put it: “I knew marriage was going to be work, but I didn’t know it was going to be this much work.” And, basically, he was done working.

Now, I have lots of people who would and do put in the work and time it takes to be my friend–to be a very close friend, at that–despite the fact that I am not always great to them and that it takes serious work to be friends with me. I love you and I appreciate you SO MUCH. Because without you, I would believe–without question–that I am not worth the work. I would believe that I am too flawed and too awful to stay in relationship with, once you go “all-in” with me.

The issue with my ex is around expectations. My expectation was that he would stick it out. He said his vows which meant that he would work to stay in relationship with me–stay married to me. But, he didn’t. And that surprised me. Not all surprises are good.

But also, not everything that is painful is bad. If you know me and have seen me grow and change since last September, I think you will notice that I am happier, lighter and have that sparkle in my eye that I used to have when I was 15 or so. The end of my marriage was a good thing, but good things don’t always feel good.

That’s the thing about recovery and healing. It doesn’t always feel good. And usually, at the beginning, it hurts more! Healing doesn’t come in a straight line of increasing healing. It’s more like waves. You’re good, and then it hits you. You’re good again, and then it hits you again. But some day, you’ll make it to the shore and the waves won’t be able to knock you down or pull you under any more.

Naples Beach

If you are going through some sort of healing–especially mental/emotional–please know that if it hurts, that’s not necessarily a bad sign. It could be a good sign. It could mean that you have hit on something that needs to be worked on or worked out.

Reach out for help. Healing and recovery doesn’t have to be a lonely road. God knows I wouldn’t be doing so well today if I hadn’t leaned on every single person that I could think of when my ex left.

Friends, thank you for reminding me that I am worth your time and your effort. Please know that you are worth it, too.

Beloved, may you find a slice of peace and joy today and every day. 🙂