Actions Change Things

For a little under 10 years now, I have been working on this whole self-care thing that everyone kept telling me was so important. So, when my dear friend, Rev. Michelle Wilkey, asked me to explore this question:

“How can you love yourself more today?”

I smiled and thought, “How perfect.” So much of what I do in my personal and professional life can be traced back to my passion of helping to pull people towards actions that are more loving towards themselves.

I see so many people looking for love and care outside of themselves and being so deeply hurt when they do not find it.

When I was 20, this would’ve described me to a T. I needed affirmation and love from others because that was the only place I was getting any sense of love and belonging. I think this is a fundamental human need, HOWEVER, this cannot be our only source of love or we will always come up lacking.

You can be a great source of comfort, love and belonging for yourself. This plus love from others creates a well spring of strength and joy.

So, how do you love yourself?

I have been reading “all about love” by bell hooks. She highlights the following definition of love from the work of Erich Fromm:

“He defines love as ‘the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.’ Explaining further, he continues: ‘Love is as love does. Love is an act of the will–namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.'” 

Put simply, love is a verb. We love in action and choice.

You can love yourself more today by doing something for you–just you–that communicates the explicit message that you are valuable and worthy of your own tender care.

Answer this question: What do you enjoy doing, by yourself, just for you?

For me, one easy, cheap, go-to activity for sending myself the message that I am valuable and worthy of my own tender care is to take a candle-lit bubble bath. Sometimes I will fill a wine glass with cool water and drink that while I have a couple pieces of dark chocolate and just relax in the bath.

Other things that have worked for me:

• Walk to the park and swing on the swing set.
• Sit outside in the sun.
• Give myself a manicure or a pedicure.
• Cooking for myself. Just for me. Recently this has turned into a very self-loving action. I send myself the message that I am worth the time and effort it takes to make myself a healthy, good-all-the-way-down, meal. Then I store up the leftovers in the fridge and/or freezer so that I will get the message that I am cared for and valued the next day as well.

This summer my favorite self-loving activity has been my trips to the beach.

Try some things. Heck maybe even try some new things! Explore and discover what you like to do just for you. Then, do that thing.

And yes, it has to be a solitary activity. It can’t be hanging out with your friends. Of course, continue to hang out with your friends (as long as they are also sending you messages that you are worth their loving care), but these activities have to be solitary so that you know it is YOU that values YOU. Get it?

One last question I would like you to ponder as you, very likely, struggle to prioritize self-caring activities:

Do you believe that you are worthy of love and belonging?

…

If the answer is no, please know that you are not alone. Also, I am 100% certain that a great many people totally disagree. 🙂 This belief that we are unworthy is what holds us back in so many ways. Underneath it all, no matter what we might say or what others might say, we believe we are unworthy of love and belonging. (For more on this, check out Brene Brown.)

It took me years to flip this mental script. It was a long journey to the belief that I am worthy of love and belonging. In some ways I think I am still on that journey. And it started with me treating myself differently in practical, simple ways. Ways like the ones listed above. Once my actions started to change, my thoughts started to change.

Revealing this underlying belief sheds light on it and it cannot last forever in the light because it is only a shadow. It is an untruth. And so it cannot live in the warm glow of the light.

“Maybe one of these days you can let the light in and show me how big your brave is.” -Sara Bareilles, Brave

When we turn the tide of love towards ourselves, we let the light in and it will transform us. Slowly things will change. The mind follows the body. When you physically do good to yourself persistently and regularly, your mind will change accordingly.

Pursuing Disconnection

I seem to be a bit stuck with this whole healing thing. I’ve been quite good at eating well and I’ve been more physically active over the past few weeks. However, I have not done much writing or meditating. In other words, I’m only taking care of 2/3 of the health & healing puzzle. (I compartmentalize things just to make them easier for me to think about and asses my progress with.)

This whole blog started because I desperately needed to get a handle on the food that was going into my body so that my intestines could start healing. It has taken me quite some time and it has been quite a roller coaster of success and failure, but I feel much better most days and that, in my book, is a delightful win! 🙂

However, as I blogged, I realized that my body is also in need of some mental healing as well. And last October I really picked up the journaling and meditating like my life depended upon it–cuz it sort of did. That was when my ex left and I felt more than a bit overwhelmed. So, I started a daily routine of writing in the mornings as I woke, doing a devotional in the morning or the evening on most days and I would pray with my beads as well as meditate in the evenings before bed. –> This really, REALLY helped. I can’t even explain in all the ways this helped, but for one thing, I found my direction. I was able to see where I needed to be going and go there. I got really behind in all of my classes, but through the help of a wise friend, some grace-filled professors and some hard work on my part, I was able to catch up and finish the semester well. WOO! That’s another win!

But I think I got comfortable. I think my ego got a little out of control. I think, subconsciously, I thought I could get by without doing those things anymore. Because by the time January hit, these self care habits had gone by the wayside. I had abandoned them, thinking that I could do this life well without them.

Well sure, I can do life without them. But it’s going to suck more. I already feel a bit swept away by a tide I cannot see and don’t understand. So, it’s time to re-dedicate myself to those things that only I can do for myself and that only I can make a priority for me. It’s called self care and I’m still learning just how crucial it is.

I think part of the problem is that our society very strongly leans towards the pursuit of disconnection. Just think of all the ways that we are able to disconnect from our lives and from each other:

TV, Movies, Fast Food (no waiter to have to interact with or tip), Eating in front of a screen, Cell Phones (texting, etc.), the list goes on. How do you veg out and numb out? There are lots of ways. (Oh, and just fyi, I don’t think there is anything fundamentally wrong with these things, just that we over-do them. Or, at the very least, I over-do them! HA! It’s all about balance.)

Disconnection is the lazy person’s game. (Read: I am prone to being lazy.)

It means you don’t have to get into the nitty-gritty, hard work of being in relationship with one’s self or with each other or with your higher power. There’s no challenge, nothing to wrestle with, and you can just numb out.

I think I have been pursuing disconnection. I’ve been watching a lot of TV, ignoring the pages and books that cry out for my attention (they’re on the coffee table right in front of me right now, even). I’ve been avoiding the hard questions and the hard word of healing.

And you know what? It’s okay. I’m giving myself a bit of grace on this one. However, now I will do differently. Now, I will walk another path. Now, it is time to intentionally re-connect with myself and with my higher power (I call her “God,” most days).

It is time to pursue connection. Quality connection with people and things that give me energy, light and life.

And just to be clear, it’s not that there is no connection when I am pursuing disconnection. It’s just that the connection is weakened. I want the connection to be strong. I want the Holy Spirit to move back into my life and shake things up. It’s what the Holy Spirit’s good at, anyway. She’s got this. And so do I.

As the saying goes, with God’s help, I will. 🙂

 

Here’s a pic of me watching the sunset at my favorite beach (so far). That’s some self care right there! 🙂

 

And here’s a sunset pic. These are just…oh my lands, YES

This Life Is Not What I Wanted

My journey has not been what I expected or imagined. It is not what I dreamed of, pined for, nor desired. It has been rough dealing with the disappointments of that reality, however, I feel more fulfilled and happier today than I ever have before.

What’s up with that?

When I was 16 or so, I imagined myself married, having kids and teaching right about now. This is not where the journey has led me. I am divorced, I did not have any kids and I am a pastor.

Say what?!

Despite the fact that my current life situation is totally unexpected, unplanned, and undreamed, I am delighted at my current circumstances! Seriously and genuinely so!

This delight did not happen overnight.

As far as being divorced, well, that was certainly unexpected and painful, as you might imagine. I poured much of my energy into my partner and now that he has left, well, I have a level of fearlessness within me that I am very grateful for! My marriage was one of the most important things in my life. But I lived through its painful, unexpected ending. Now, I am on the other side and thriving. The whole experience has shown me just how strong and capable I can be.

Now, about this pastor thing. I spent about 10 years refusing to believe that being a pastor was really something I could do, let alone love to do. But now I can’t imagine myself doing anything else. It’s an amazing job and I feel lucky every day for being able to do what I do. Sure, some days it’s tough, but that’s one of the things I love about it. People are complicated and I get to enter into that and walk with them. How much more awesome could my job get?!

 

Well, actually, through an interesting serious of events, I find myself headed to Naples, Florida for a full time summer internship at North Naples United Methodist Church! I am excited, nervous and totally pumped!

I wonder what adventures await me in Florida. But mostly, I am trying to enjoy today and embrace fully the tasks that are before me with gusto. 🙂

Dreaming and/or worrying about tomorrow has not served me well. Looking around and feeling grateful? Now that has been a key for me in being able to enjoy the journey, enjoy today, and not wish I was somewhere I am not, or wish I was someone that I am not.

There was a time when I would see people’s baby pictures or wedding anniversary pictures and I would feel almost overwhelmed by envy and longing.

Looking at my life with gratitude and letting go of the desire for things I do not have has brought me to where I am today.

That being said, there are some things that we can and are free to change. My health and healing is something I will continue to work towards. I am so thankful I found a way to minimize my symptoms. I have days where I feel nearly 100% healthy now!! This was simply unimaginable to me a year ago. But it is my current reality. I am so thankful!

But it’s been a long roller-coaster like road to get here–to this place of gratitude and happiness. And some days I do wonder what it would be like to have kids or to be married again. I wonder if I’ll ever get there. But I don’t pine for these things anymore. I don’t long for them with an aching heart. I feel free to embrace whatever comes my way that strikes my fancy. Like this internship in Florida. SO EXCITING!

Your journey is yours. Love it. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Post pictures of your happy marriages and adorable kids on Facebook. I love seeing you thankful and happy. It’s inspiring. And y’all are just adorable! Especially those kids! HA! Oh, and pets! Definitely keep the pet pictures and videos coming!

My journey is mine. It doesn’t need to look any different than it does. I get to love it just how it is. I can enjoy any moment I choose with abandon. My moments don’t need to look like your moments. I am free to embrace what and whom I choose. It’s my life. And it just friggin’ rocks.

 

 

Letting Go of Desire

The question that has been with me for some time now is:

How do you let go of desire?

There are a great many things that can and do fall under the umbrella of “desire” such as love, money, education, health, food, physical needs, knowledge, fame, romantic relationship, children, safety, position in life, etc. These are just some possibilities. Really anything that you “want” can also be seen as something you “desire” and that is what I am talking about here.

For me personally, I have recently struggled quite a bit with desire. Specifically, it has been the desire to loose more weight.

Over the past two years, I have lost nearly 40 lbs from doing what this blog talks about–healing my body through food. The weight loss was a side effect of the change in my eating habits. At least, that’s my theory. And yes, I am eating. I’m eating plenty. I promise. A friend recently said, “Wow, you lost weight. You look good, but…I just have to ask…it’s because I care…are you eating?” (Thank you for asking, by the way! I appreciate it! After all the stress of this past year, that is a very valid question!) I’m eating meat, veggies, nuts, honey and fruit 90% of the time. No grains. No starches. No sweeteners–artificial or otherwise. No fried foods. Low on the salt, since I’m cooking it all myself pretty much. The other 10% of the time is when I eat something that I’m craving and then get “sick” as I call it. Basically, my symptoms come back, or start to, and I’m reminded of why I’m eating and living differently in the first place.

Here’s the thing. I never asked to loose weight. It was never a goal and I was intentional about it not being a goal and so, I let go of the desire to loose weight and focused all my energy on symptom elimination and overall wellness improvement.

And it is working! My symptoms are roughly 70% gone. If they’re not gone, they’re lessening or improving in some way. Since I’ve had many of these symptoms for YEARS, I figure it’s going to take time for everything to heal. I just try to make sure I’m eating a wide variety of vitamin rich fruits and veggies. I’m doing pretty good! Just gotta get more leafy greens in there.

Okay, so, enough with the details of what I’m eating and back to desire…

I really wasn’t seeing what other people were seeing until I saw this picture…

Washington D.C. Zoo, May 2009

Yeah, the seal is cute, but it was the tightness of the shirt that got my attention. See those rolls of fat on my side/back? They’ve been significantly minimized. Here’s a pic from today…

And as I look at this picture, I am happy with the change and I most certainly desire for a bit more change, a bit more minimizing, a bit more weight loss.

But here’s the thing. I really, REALLY want to let go of the desire to loss more weight. You know why? Cuz it leads me to be ungrateful and unhappy with the skin I am in now.

That is how I spent most of my life so far: wishing I were in someone else’s skin, or wishing my “me” was different than it was. And I am most certainly DONE wishing I was someone different than who I am.

I’m pretty darn fabulous. Back fat included. 🙂

So, I am just going to keep eating foods that create wellness within my body, keep taking care of myself in that really good way and let go of the desire to loose weight.

I am happy with my body now. It is pretty darn fabulous, what it does for me! And being in the skin I am in, that’s a gift that I treasure. 🙂

I am happy with my health now. It has greatly improved and so I am going to happily continue down this path of wellness and self care!

Besides, ain’t nobody got time for self hate.

Here’s some happy for ya…

To My 13 Year Old Self

When we look in the mirror, what do we see? When I was 13, I did not really look in the mirror and see myself. I saw flaws, but that was about it. I think now, when I look in the mirror, I see more accurately what other people see when they see me (at least the ones who like me, that is). And I think my mental and emotional well-being are much better because of this. So, I wondered, what I would tell my 13 year old self, if I could?

 

First of all, it gets better. It really does. One day, you will look in the mirror and you will like what you see. Heck, you will LOVE what you see!

And it’s not because you lost weight. In fact, you’ll have gained weight.

And it’s not because somebody else loves you. Though lots of people do love you, that was true for 13 year old self as well as 30 year old self. You will love what you see because you’ll finally know that you are not only huggable, but you are lovable.

You are capable of being a light in this world. You are able to create things, to change things, to make a difference and an impact in this world. You are capable of much more than you can imagine.

Things do not get better because they get easier. No, things actually get a lot more painful, but you will remember to laugh and it will get you through.

You will learn to pray in the midst of suffering.

You will find peace in the midst of chaos.

And things will be better.

You will be wiser and better equipped to deal with life and run the race, despite the fog–despite not knowing where your next step might land you.

One day, you will emit a glow, a warm light of comfort and peace and love and people will want to be near you. Heck, YOU will want to be near you! You will be your own favorite companion. You will look in the mirror and smile just to say hello and encourage yourself.

One day, it will be better. One day, you will remember your 13 year old self and you will be glad. Because you made it here together. And really, 13 wasn’t that bad anyway.

My Magical Cure-All?

So, it occurred to me while reading a facebook post from the fantastic blogger over at The Nourished Life that it might appear that I think eating better will cure all of my problems: fertility and otherwise. This is not the case, just fyi. This is what she wrote and I totally agree:

“MYTH: Eating well will fix your life. It’s THE most important thing you can do.

TRUTH: Eating well can support your mind and body, but it doesn’t erase your problems. It can help you feel better, improve your moods, and help you deal with tough times. But it isn’t magic.

Life will still happen when you eat well and take care of your body. You’ll still make mistakes–sometimes huge ones. Sometimes you’ll get hurt by people you love–sometimes you’ll hurt them. Sometimes you’ll feel down, sometimes you’ll run late, sometimes it will feel like life is falling apart at the seams.

Keep your diet in perspective. Eating well is important for your health, but don’t place so much importance on it that you try to cover up life’s problems with ‘healthy’ eating.

Remember to support yourself in other ways, let yourself be human, and accept that life has its ups and downs regardless of how we eat.”

I believe that eating well will help my body heal, partly.

I believe that attending to and deepening my connection with my “higher power”/”creator”/”universal spiritual force” will help my whole self heal in varying and complex ways.

We in the western, American world tend to compartmentalize ourselves into 2, sometimes 3 categories. It’s generally either body-mind or body-mind-soul.

However, this is a false reality.

How can one separate these things? If I’m only attending to my mind/soul, I would be treating myself like a ghost without a body. If I’m only attending to my body, then I would be treating myself like a dead body, for what is a body with a soul/mind? It’s a body on life support. It is incomplete.

Bottom line? I need to focus more on the whole-self mindedness of healing. If I don’t, I will not likely succeed in my attempts to heal.

A New Health Issue

Warning: This post contains frank and open discussion about menstruation, ovulation and fertility. If this makes you uncomfortable, please navigate to one of my other posts that have more agreeable things in them, like yummy recipes! Here’s one to get you started!

 

In good fiction, you do not introduce a character in the initial part of the story unless that character is going to be a crucial one throughout the story. I don’t know if you noticed, but in my very first blog post, I mentioned having hemorrhagic (blood-filled) cystitis on my ovaries, but I did not incorporate this detail into the conversation other than to state that it was the cause of some abdominal pain. I included this detail to show that, in fact, I do believe in using doctors and when something is wrong, I do go to them and get things diagnosed, if that is possible. However, now I am going to pick back up this ovary issue and weave it into the next big health issue that I have discovered:

Fertility issues.

I suppose some of you will tell me that I am just being impatient. Others will tell me that just because it’s been a year does not mean that I will never get pregnant. Some of you will tell me to relax, to take a vacation, to stop trying so hard and it will happen. Don’t worry. Be happy!

If you have something like that to say, keep it to yourself. I’ve heard it. I’ve considered it. I’m moving on.

Here’s the thing. The partner and I have been trying for a year. Casual-like. Nothing strenuous. No alarms telling us to go running because it’s my fertile window. Nothing like that. Basically, we’re just letting whatever happens, happen!

Then, through a friend who was seeing a doctor, getting hormone treatments, the WORKS to try and get pregnant, I discovered that I do have at least one fertility issue: most of my cycles are not long enough.

When I say “cycle” this is what I’m talking about: from day 1 of period to day 1 of the next period is the amount of time that the egg has to develop, rupture, get fertilized and get down to the uterus and implant. These things move slowly. This whole process needs AT LEAST 28 days to accomplish the task and upwards of 32 days would be better.

My average cycle is 26 days.

Now do you see why I have a fertility issue?

Some of my cycles are long enough, but only 1/4 of them are. This cuts the probability of getting pregnant down quite a bit. I’m pretty bummed about this. Honestly, I just thought that having a menstrual cycle, popping out eggs–and all that–was my birthright as a woman. And now I find out that it’s not. It’s a hit to my ego, but perhaps more profoundly, it’s a hit to my identity.

I had always thought that as a woman I had a choice regarding having children. For the longest time, and in fact even when I got married (the partner wanted nothing to do with children!), I chose to not have kids. Until the day I changed my mind, of course. Not having the choice to have or not have kids is a bigger deal than I would’ve imagined.

And it is eating me up inside.

My depression is coming back with a vengeance.

But this time, it’s gonna hear me roar.

(Yes, I am referencing Katy Perry. Don’t hate me because I love her music!)

I will not let it take me down. I’ve got an arsenal of tools to use to combat my particular form of depression and I am actively using said tools! 🙂

Point of this story: I believe that healing my gut through food is one piece to this puzzle of infertility. I will be blogging about what I am eating, why I am eating it and my struggle to stay motivated, stay physically active, and stay spiritually centered. Whew! What a task! 🙂