Actions Change Things

For a little under 10 years now, I have been working on this whole self-care thing that everyone kept telling me was so important. So, when my dear friend, Rev. Michelle Wilkey, asked me to explore this question:

“How can you love yourself more today?”

I smiled and thought, “How perfect.” So much of what I do in my personal and professional life can be traced back to my passion of helping to pull people towards actions that are more loving towards themselves.

I see so many people looking for love and care outside of themselves and being so deeply hurt when they do not find it.

When I was 20, this would’ve described me to a T. I needed affirmation and love from others because that was the only place I was getting any sense of love and belonging. I think this is a fundamental human need, HOWEVER, this cannot be our only source of love or we will always come up lacking.

You can be a great source of comfort, love and belonging for yourself. This plus love from others creates a well spring of strength and joy.

So, how do you love yourself?

I have been reading “all about love” by bell hooks. She highlights the following definition of love from the work of Erich Fromm:

“He defines love as ‘the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.’ Explaining further, he continues: ‘Love is as love does. Love is an act of the will–namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.'” 

Put simply, love is a verb. We love in action and choice.

You can love yourself more today by doing something for you–just you–that communicates the explicit message that you are valuable and worthy of your own tender care.

Answer this question: What do you enjoy doing, by yourself, just for you?

For me, one easy, cheap, go-to activity for sending myself the message that I am valuable and worthy of my own tender care is to take a candle-lit bubble bath. Sometimes I will fill a wine glass with cool water and drink that while I have a couple pieces of dark chocolate and just relax in the bath.

Other things that have worked for me:

• Walk to the park and swing on the swing set.
• Sit outside in the sun.
• Give myself a manicure or a pedicure.
• Cooking for myself. Just for me. Recently this has turned into a very self-loving action. I send myself the message that I am worth the time and effort it takes to make myself a healthy, good-all-the-way-down, meal. Then I store up the leftovers in the fridge and/or freezer so that I will get the message that I am cared for and valued the next day as well.

This summer my favorite self-loving activity has been my trips to the beach.

Try some things. Heck maybe even try some new things! Explore and discover what you like to do just for you. Then, do that thing.

And yes, it has to be a solitary activity. It can’t be hanging out with your friends. Of course, continue to hang out with your friends (as long as they are also sending you messages that you are worth their loving care), but these activities have to be solitary so that you know it is YOU that values YOU. Get it?

One last question I would like you to ponder as you, very likely, struggle to prioritize self-caring activities:

Do you believe that you are worthy of love and belonging?

…

If the answer is no, please know that you are not alone. Also, I am 100% certain that a great many people totally disagree. 🙂 This belief that we are unworthy is what holds us back in so many ways. Underneath it all, no matter what we might say or what others might say, we believe we are unworthy of love and belonging. (For more on this, check out Brene Brown.)

It took me years to flip this mental script. It was a long journey to the belief that I am worthy of love and belonging. In some ways I think I am still on that journey. And it started with me treating myself differently in practical, simple ways. Ways like the ones listed above. Once my actions started to change, my thoughts started to change.

Revealing this underlying belief sheds light on it and it cannot last forever in the light because it is only a shadow. It is an untruth. And so it cannot live in the warm glow of the light.

“Maybe one of these days you can let the light in and show me how big your brave is.” -Sara Bareilles, Brave

When we turn the tide of love towards ourselves, we let the light in and it will transform us. Slowly things will change. The mind follows the body. When you physically do good to yourself persistently and regularly, your mind will change accordingly.

Recovery Sucks

A friend of mine was healing from a rather serious foot injury and when someone asked how her foot was doing she replied, “Foot better, recovery sucks!!”

Honestly, I think this is how we all feel at times. Whether we are healing from physical, mental, or emotional damages, we can sometimes tell that things are getting better, but the process is frustrating and long. In my friends’ words, it sucks!

I was talking to a friend of mine who has done divorce support and recovery work for a number of years and after telling him my story, he mentioned that it would probably take me about a year to heal from mine. My stomach lurched at this news. “A year???” I thought. “But I wanna be healed from this now!”

Sometimes I think that knowing how long something is going to take and having expectations around that is part of the problem. I mean, who is to say that it will take me exactly a year? Who’s to say it won’t be shorter? Or longer? I just gotta let that go and face the pain that comes with emotional healing as it comes.

During the months and years after a loss occurs, there are times when we will be going about our daily lives and something triggers this loss and we feel it sort of all over again. In my experience trauma follows the same pattern. It’s kind of like if you were walking past a shelf of books and one just flies off the shelf and hits you in the head.

Sometimes the book hits at full force and it takes you down. Sometimes the book hits at half speed and you’re pained, but can keep walking.

That’s about where I am today. I’m a bit tender from where the book hit me yesterday, but I’ll manage.

Yesterday, I was reminded of one of the more painful parts of the divorce. For me, my ex leaving was a hit to my self worth on a very deep level. It was basically a very loud and clear message that when someone lives with me day in and day out and has to put up with my most unattractive self, they will walk away and say, “You’re not worth it.”

This is the way my ex put it: “I knew marriage was going to be work, but I didn’t know it was going to be this much work.” And, basically, he was done working.

Now, I have lots of people who would and do put in the work and time it takes to be my friend–to be a very close friend, at that–despite the fact that I am not always great to them and that it takes serious work to be friends with me. I love you and I appreciate you SO MUCH. Because without you, I would believe–without question–that I am not worth the work. I would believe that I am too flawed and too awful to stay in relationship with, once you go “all-in” with me.

The issue with my ex is around expectations. My expectation was that he would stick it out. He said his vows which meant that he would work to stay in relationship with me–stay married to me. But, he didn’t. And that surprised me. Not all surprises are good.

But also, not everything that is painful is bad. If you know me and have seen me grow and change since last September, I think you will notice that I am happier, lighter and have that sparkle in my eye that I used to have when I was 15 or so. The end of my marriage was a good thing, but good things don’t always feel good.

That’s the thing about recovery and healing. It doesn’t always feel good. And usually, at the beginning, it hurts more! Healing doesn’t come in a straight line of increasing healing. It’s more like waves. You’re good, and then it hits you. You’re good again, and then it hits you again. But some day, you’ll make it to the shore and the waves won’t be able to knock you down or pull you under any more.

Naples Beach

If you are going through some sort of healing–especially mental/emotional–please know that if it hurts, that’s not necessarily a bad sign. It could be a good sign. It could mean that you have hit on something that needs to be worked on or worked out.

Reach out for help. Healing and recovery doesn’t have to be a lonely road. God knows I wouldn’t be doing so well today if I hadn’t leaned on every single person that I could think of when my ex left.

Friends, thank you for reminding me that I am worth your time and your effort. Please know that you are worth it, too.

Beloved, may you find a slice of peace and joy today and every day. 🙂

Kate Bornstein, Healer

I saw Kate Bornstein speak tonight for the 3rd time in my lifetime and she blew my mind, yet again. She has a way about her that is so genuine and so loving that I feel myself want to run to her like a young child into a loving parents’ arms. That is just how Kate is and I love her so much for being her. This is a letter that I hope she will somehow find and read one day when she is feeling low, frustrated or hurt and I pray that it brings her light, love and healing. For she has brought me all those things, and more.

 

 

Dear Kate,

You are an agent of healing. I don’t know if you know this, but it seemed quite true for the young woman Sara who fell apart in your presence tonight and it is quite true for ME. I know it might seem like the rest of us are feel totally like women or totally like men, but I’m not convinced this is the case. It was certainly NEVER the case for me. On the surface, one might not see this because I communicate “woman” pretty clearly with my big breast and my big hips/butt. There’s really no getting around those, even in baggy jeans and a baggy sweatshirt. I never felt like a real woman. I always felt like I fell short of “woman” and I hated myself for YEARS because of this. I wasn’t petite, I wasn’t graceful, I didn’t wear makeup or style my hair with hot tools. I was just me and this made me feel un-womanly and inadequate.

Then, I met you. I first met you through my women’s and gender studies intro class at my university through “My Gender Workbook” and my mind was BLOWN. It was like the house of “woman” came crashing down around me and I got to build it back together however I wanted! It took a long time to get to the building it back up, though. There were many painful years as I worked through my self-hate, my internalized fat hatred (by the way, I don’t know WHERE you would get 40 lbs to loose off of you!!! You are beautiful and, from my perspective, quite skinny!!!) But when I finally got to the rebuilding, it was so healing. Taking ownership of my gender and gender expression and knowing there was no “woman” category that I had to fit into healed a lot of my self-hate and loathing.

Kate, your form of healing I have found no where else. No one but you can heal like you do. I have met you three times now and every time I feel that the words I speak to you are never enough. They are never enough to explain to you the way that your books and speaking engagements have opened up my door to myself so that I can now LET LOVE IN. And with love, comes healing. And with healing, comes peace. You inspire and you set people FREE to love themselves and to love each other. Fully. Whole-ly. You allow for the whole person to be loved and that is rare indeed.

Thank you for existing. Thank you for being compassionate. Thank you for setting your people FREE.

Your fan gurrrl forever,

Diana