Recovery Sucks

A friend of mine was healing from a rather serious foot injury and when someone asked how her foot was doing she replied, “Foot better, recovery sucks!!”

Honestly, I think this is how we all feel at times. Whether we are healing from physical, mental, or emotional damages, we can sometimes tell that things are getting better, but the process is frustrating and long. In my friends’ words, it sucks!

I was talking to a friend of mine who has done divorce support and recovery work for a number of years and after telling him my story, he mentioned that it would probably take me about a year to heal from mine. My stomach lurched at this news. “A year???” I thought. “But I wanna be healed from this now!”

Sometimes I think that knowing how long something is going to take and having expectations around that is part of the problem. I mean, who is to say that it will take me exactly a year? Who’s to say it won’t be shorter? Or longer? I just gotta let that go and face the pain that comes with emotional healing as it comes.

During the months and years after a loss occurs, there are times when we will be going about our daily lives and something triggers this loss and we feel it sort of all over again. In my experience trauma follows the same pattern. It’s kind of like if you were walking past a shelf of books and one just flies off the shelf and hits you in the head.

Sometimes the book hits at full force and it takes you down. Sometimes the book hits at half speed and you’re pained, but can keep walking.

That’s about where I am today. I’m a bit tender from where the book hit me yesterday, but I’ll manage.

Yesterday, I was reminded of one of the more painful parts of the divorce. For me, my ex leaving was a hit to my self worth on a very deep level. It was basically a very loud and clear message that when someone lives with me day in and day out and has to put up with my most unattractive self, they will walk away and say, “You’re not worth it.”

This is the way my ex put it: “I knew marriage was going to be work, but I didn’t know it was going to be this much work.” And, basically, he was done working.

Now, I have lots of people who would and do put in the work and time it takes to be my friend–to be a very close friend, at that–despite the fact that I am not always great to them and that it takes serious work to be friends with me. I love you and I appreciate you SO MUCH. Because without you, I would believe–without question–that I am not worth the work. I would believe that I am too flawed and too awful to stay in relationship with, once you go “all-in” with me.

The issue with my ex is around expectations. My expectation was that he would stick it out. He said his vows which meant that he would work to stay in relationship with me–stay married to me. But, he didn’t. And that surprised me. Not all surprises are good.

But also, not everything that is painful is bad. If you know me and have seen me grow and change since last September, I think you will notice that I am happier, lighter and have that sparkle in my eye that I used to have when I was 15 or so. The end of my marriage was a good thing, but good things don’t always feel good.

That’s the thing about recovery and healing. It doesn’t always feel good. And usually, at the beginning, it hurts more! Healing doesn’t come in a straight line of increasing healing. It’s more like waves. You’re good, and then it hits you. You’re good again, and then it hits you again. But some day, you’ll make it to the shore and the waves won’t be able to knock you down or pull you under any more.

Naples Beach

If you are going through some sort of healing–especially mental/emotional–please know that if it hurts, that’s not necessarily a bad sign. It could be a good sign. It could mean that you have hit on something that needs to be worked on or worked out.

Reach out for help. Healing and recovery doesn’t have to be a lonely road. God knows I wouldn’t be doing so well today if I hadn’t leaned on every single person that I could think of when my ex left.

Friends, thank you for reminding me that I am worth your time and your effort. Please know that you are worth it, too.

Beloved, may you find a slice of peace and joy today and every day. 🙂

This Life Is Not What I Wanted

My journey has not been what I expected or imagined. It is not what I dreamed of, pined for, nor desired. It has been rough dealing with the disappointments of that reality, however, I feel more fulfilled and happier today than I ever have before.

What’s up with that?

When I was 16 or so, I imagined myself married, having kids and teaching right about now. This is not where the journey has led me. I am divorced, I did not have any kids and I am a pastor.

Say what?!

Despite the fact that my current life situation is totally unexpected, unplanned, and undreamed, I am delighted at my current circumstances! Seriously and genuinely so!

This delight did not happen overnight.

As far as being divorced, well, that was certainly unexpected and painful, as you might imagine. I poured much of my energy into my partner and now that he has left, well, I have a level of fearlessness within me that I am very grateful for! My marriage was one of the most important things in my life. But I lived through its painful, unexpected ending. Now, I am on the other side and thriving. The whole experience has shown me just how strong and capable I can be.

Now, about this pastor thing. I spent about 10 years refusing to believe that being a pastor was really something I could do, let alone love to do. But now I can’t imagine myself doing anything else. It’s an amazing job and I feel lucky every day for being able to do what I do. Sure, some days it’s tough, but that’s one of the things I love about it. People are complicated and I get to enter into that and walk with them. How much more awesome could my job get?!

 

Well, actually, through an interesting serious of events, I find myself headed to Naples, Florida for a full time summer internship at North Naples United Methodist Church! I am excited, nervous and totally pumped!

I wonder what adventures await me in Florida. But mostly, I am trying to enjoy today and embrace fully the tasks that are before me with gusto. 🙂

Dreaming and/or worrying about tomorrow has not served me well. Looking around and feeling grateful? Now that has been a key for me in being able to enjoy the journey, enjoy today, and not wish I was somewhere I am not, or wish I was someone that I am not.

There was a time when I would see people’s baby pictures or wedding anniversary pictures and I would feel almost overwhelmed by envy and longing.

Looking at my life with gratitude and letting go of the desire for things I do not have has brought me to where I am today.

That being said, there are some things that we can and are free to change. My health and healing is something I will continue to work towards. I am so thankful I found a way to minimize my symptoms. I have days where I feel nearly 100% healthy now!! This was simply unimaginable to me a year ago. But it is my current reality. I am so thankful!

But it’s been a long roller-coaster like road to get here–to this place of gratitude and happiness. And some days I do wonder what it would be like to have kids or to be married again. I wonder if I’ll ever get there. But I don’t pine for these things anymore. I don’t long for them with an aching heart. I feel free to embrace whatever comes my way that strikes my fancy. Like this internship in Florida. SO EXCITING!

Your journey is yours. Love it. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Post pictures of your happy marriages and adorable kids on Facebook. I love seeing you thankful and happy. It’s inspiring. And y’all are just adorable! Especially those kids! HA! Oh, and pets! Definitely keep the pet pictures and videos coming!

My journey is mine. It doesn’t need to look any different than it does. I get to love it just how it is. I can enjoy any moment I choose with abandon. My moments don’t need to look like your moments. I am free to embrace what and whom I choose. It’s my life. And it just friggin’ rocks.

 

 

Kate Bornstein, Healer

I saw Kate Bornstein speak tonight for the 3rd time in my lifetime and she blew my mind, yet again. She has a way about her that is so genuine and so loving that I feel myself want to run to her like a young child into a loving parents’ arms. That is just how Kate is and I love her so much for being her. This is a letter that I hope she will somehow find and read one day when she is feeling low, frustrated or hurt and I pray that it brings her light, love and healing. For she has brought me all those things, and more.

 

 

Dear Kate,

You are an agent of healing. I don’t know if you know this, but it seemed quite true for the young woman Sara who fell apart in your presence tonight and it is quite true for ME. I know it might seem like the rest of us are feel totally like women or totally like men, but I’m not convinced this is the case. It was certainly NEVER the case for me. On the surface, one might not see this because I communicate “woman” pretty clearly with my big breast and my big hips/butt. There’s really no getting around those, even in baggy jeans and a baggy sweatshirt. I never felt like a real woman. I always felt like I fell short of “woman” and I hated myself for YEARS because of this. I wasn’t petite, I wasn’t graceful, I didn’t wear makeup or style my hair with hot tools. I was just me and this made me feel un-womanly and inadequate.

Then, I met you. I first met you through my women’s and gender studies intro class at my university through “My Gender Workbook” and my mind was BLOWN. It was like the house of “woman” came crashing down around me and I got to build it back together however I wanted! It took a long time to get to the building it back up, though. There were many painful years as I worked through my self-hate, my internalized fat hatred (by the way, I don’t know WHERE you would get 40 lbs to loose off of you!!! You are beautiful and, from my perspective, quite skinny!!!) But when I finally got to the rebuilding, it was so healing. Taking ownership of my gender and gender expression and knowing there was no “woman” category that I had to fit into healed a lot of my self-hate and loathing.

Kate, your form of healing I have found no where else. No one but you can heal like you do. I have met you three times now and every time I feel that the words I speak to you are never enough. They are never enough to explain to you the way that your books and speaking engagements have opened up my door to myself so that I can now LET LOVE IN. And with love, comes healing. And with healing, comes peace. You inspire and you set people FREE to love themselves and to love each other. Fully. Whole-ly. You allow for the whole person to be loved and that is rare indeed.

Thank you for existing. Thank you for being compassionate. Thank you for setting your people FREE.

Your fan gurrrl forever,

Diana

It Started With My Skin

I have severe skin issues. I call it that because it’s been labeled psoriasis and eczema, depending upon which doctor I was seeing. It manifests itself in a great variety of ways, as itchy blisters on my fingers and the palms of my hands, as itchy bumps on my chest-back-scalp, or as severe red-dry-raised-itchy patches on my shoulders-chest-face. I have had such symptoms for as long as I can remember…from embarrassing bandages all over my palms and fingers to cover my bursting itchy-blisters in fifth grade (and being made fun of for this) to my Mom telling me stories about being an infant and having red patchy skin, my skin issues have been with me.

However unpleasant this may seem, my current health concerns stretch beyond these unsightly, uncomfortable skin issues. When I was in my early twenties, I began suffering from abdominal pain. I went through a series of tests and doctor appointments to finally be told that I had hemorrhagic (blood-filled) cystitis on my ovaries that would come and go and that, basically, I would just have to suffer through them unless they got really bad and then … well, I don’t know what they would do, because I was determined to suffer through them. (I know now the best way to deal with the piercing pain is to remember to keep BREATHING. When I first started having pain, I would hold my breath until it passed. Bad idea. The pain is much more endurable when I remember to breathe.)

Several years later, I had a gastrointestinal virus in October. It was the most sick I have ever been, still to this day. After this havoc-wreaking event that befell my body, my gut has never been the same. All of a sudden, there was incessant gurgling in my stomach and abdomen. At times my stomach visibly vibrated from the gurgling. To spare you some details, let’s just say there were other embarrassing and unpleasant symptoms. As February came to pass, these symptoms persisted, so I went to the doctor. She told me to walk more, eat more yogurt and rice and I should be fine. I did these things. Nothing changed. In fact, the yogurt made things WORSE. (I now attribute this to the sugar and, perhaps, a dairy allergy that has been hiding from me).

Now, almost four years later, and various other doctors having a go at my intestinal issues, little has changed. It may seem like I’m complaining about a trifle, but this trifle infects almost every moment of every day for me. These symptoms–all of them, the skin and the gut issues–are constant companions, constant distractions. This trifle gut issue makes eating a miserable experience. What will this food do to me? How will my gut react to it? Will I suffer for having eaten this? Will I have pain? Will I break out and itching symptoms worsen? There is little rhyme or reason to my body’s reactions to various foods.

In recent months, I have begun to despair. I am tired of doctors. They’re not bad, by any means! We need doctors! I just don’t think that they are as in tune with my body as I am. I think that the issues I am having are connected to the food I am consuming. I think it’s time for me to listen to my own body. I think it’s time to take care of these things in a grass-roots type of way, bottom up change–change that starts with ME. It’s time to listen to my inner wisdom and maybe even pray (a.k.a. listen) for guidance.

Over the past couple of years I have been on a bit of a roller coaster of trying to heal myself by eating differently. Each time I start out with a plan, prepare well, but then when I am feeling overwhelmed with work-school-marriage-family-friends-etc, the best laid plans fall to pieces. So, I figure, why not share my story? Why not make public this struggle for health and healing (of my gut) so as to feel accountable to someone besides myself? Even if no one reads this, I think I will still feel an obligation to update this blog, to keep track of my progress, to lay bare my struggles each day, if for no other purpose than my own processing and reflection.

So, it begins. My slightly-restrained (I will spare you some of the sordid details) online account of my journey, my searching, for health and healing through food (and the occasional low-impact workout). I hope by sharing my story, I might help someone else with their story.

-Maggie

(Me on a good skin day…)