We Need More Rest…No, Seriously

Two weeks ago, I launched back into blogging with this post: Let’s Rest More

Yesterday, I visited a friend in the psych ward of a hospital. They mentioned how they were just trying to get some sleep and said, “They’re feed us real good. I had salmon for dinner!”

You guys.

The psych ward is this person’s quiet camp.

I re-read my post about my quiet camp experience and discovered that I created my own psych ward. Only I was allowed to walk outside in the green grass and trees. I was also allowed to have my phone, pen and notebook.

But sometimes we need all the things taken away from us so that we can let it go and just rest. It seems that this is exactly what this person was experiencing. A forced shut-down for a short period of time.

But, what happens when they have to re-enter their life? With its hardships and our mental state being only temporarily helped by the rest and nourishment received by the stay in hospital?

Our home lives must be places of rest and rejuvenation. Our regular lives must allow us space and time to heal. Or we are going to end up cycling back to the same place with the same problems.

I’m not about that negative cycle life. I’d much rather work to change and build a new thing, than continuing a nasty cycle of pain and suffering.

I don’t get the point of calling people who need healing and change “crazy” and locking them up in a hospital. Sometimes we need saving from ourselves, yes, but don’t call us crazy. Or, if you do, then we’re all crazy. All of us need rest and nourishment. Some of us are literally driven into a place where we cannot function at all anymore. We are simply done. We have nothing left to give. There is no fight left. And that’s when we end up in hospitals.

But do we find healing there? Lasting healing?

I don’t know.

But what I do know, is this:

Things have got to change.

There is no amount of effort that isn’t worth change. Not for me. I’ve seen what years of working for change can do in my own life. I put loads and loads of my time and money into counseling, retreats, reading books, mentoring, accountability groups and more in order to change myself. In order to transform myself into … me! A joy-filled, peace-loving, unchained version of me.

I lived for many, many years with the chains of other people’s expectations upon me. It took a mental and physical toll on me.

Today, I am a transformed person. And it seems that I will continue to transform as I continue to put time, money and effort into counseling, books, retreats and supportive (as well as challenging) friendships.

The truth is, I am in a good place now. I know what I need and I know how to get it and I do not apologize for my needs.

If I could just get more rest, though…things would be even better! I wouldn’t end up crying and wailing on the couch because I just CAN’T COPE. (Yeah, this was me this morning.) My brain would be able to function. All the “pistons” in my brain would be firing, so to speak.

For years I was on serotonin related anti-depressants and I can tell now that when I don’t rest enough my serotonin levels are affected negatively. (Isn’t that awesome?! I can tell now! I don’t need anyone else to tell me! Like a psychiatrist, doctor or counselor. Yay!!!)

When my brain hasn’t had enough rest, it simply functions tired. Less serotonin gets passed around up there.

Simple and true.

I know because I’ve tested this theory many, many times. I sleep and whatever thing I couldn’t cope with before is much less daunting when I wake. Joy comes in the morning, as they say. For me, it’s true.

So, you can bet your boots that I will be napping later today. Once the kid’s at daycare (and having a BLAST without me, I might add) and I’ve had lunch, I will rest.

Rest and nourishment.

It’s so simple.

At least something in life is simple, right? Whew.

This Life Is Not What I Wanted

My journey has not been what I expected or imagined. It is not what I dreamed of, pined for, nor desired. It has been rough dealing with the disappointments of that reality, however, I feel more fulfilled and happier today than I ever have before.

What’s up with that?

When I was 16 or so, I imagined myself married, having kids and teaching right about now. This is not where the journey has led me. I am divorced, I did not have any kids and I am a pastor.

Say what?!

Despite the fact that my current life situation is totally unexpected, unplanned, and undreamed, I am delighted at my current circumstances! Seriously and genuinely so!

This delight did not happen overnight.

As far as being divorced, well, that was certainly unexpected and painful, as you might imagine. I poured much of my energy into my partner and now that he has left, well, I have a level of fearlessness within me that I am very grateful for! My marriage was one of the most important things in my life. But I lived through its painful, unexpected ending. Now, I am on the other side and thriving. The whole experience has shown me just how strong and capable I can be.

Now, about this pastor thing. I spent about 10 years refusing to believe that being a pastor was really something I could do, let alone love to do. But now I can’t imagine myself doing anything else. It’s an amazing job and I feel lucky every day for being able to do what I do. Sure, some days it’s tough, but that’s one of the things I love about it. People are complicated and I get to enter into that and walk with them. How much more awesome could my job get?!

 

Well, actually, through an interesting serious of events, I find myself headed to Naples, Florida for a full time summer internship at North Naples United Methodist Church! I am excited, nervous and totally pumped!

I wonder what adventures await me in Florida. But mostly, I am trying to enjoy today and embrace fully the tasks that are before me with gusto. 🙂

Dreaming and/or worrying about tomorrow has not served me well. Looking around and feeling grateful? Now that has been a key for me in being able to enjoy the journey, enjoy today, and not wish I was somewhere I am not, or wish I was someone that I am not.

There was a time when I would see people’s baby pictures or wedding anniversary pictures and I would feel almost overwhelmed by envy and longing.

Looking at my life with gratitude and letting go of the desire for things I do not have has brought me to where I am today.

That being said, there are some things that we can and are free to change. My health and healing is something I will continue to work towards. I am so thankful I found a way to minimize my symptoms. I have days where I feel nearly 100% healthy now!! This was simply unimaginable to me a year ago. But it is my current reality. I am so thankful!

But it’s been a long roller-coaster like road to get here–to this place of gratitude and happiness. And some days I do wonder what it would be like to have kids or to be married again. I wonder if I’ll ever get there. But I don’t pine for these things anymore. I don’t long for them with an aching heart. I feel free to embrace whatever comes my way that strikes my fancy. Like this internship in Florida. SO EXCITING!

Your journey is yours. Love it. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Post pictures of your happy marriages and adorable kids on Facebook. I love seeing you thankful and happy. It’s inspiring. And y’all are just adorable! Especially those kids! HA! Oh, and pets! Definitely keep the pet pictures and videos coming!

My journey is mine. It doesn’t need to look any different than it does. I get to love it just how it is. I can enjoy any moment I choose with abandon. My moments don’t need to look like your moments. I am free to embrace what and whom I choose. It’s my life. And it just friggin’ rocks.