We Need More Rest…No, Seriously

Two weeks ago, I launched back into blogging with this post: Let’s Rest More

Yesterday, I visited a friend in the psych ward of a hospital. They mentioned how they were just trying to get some sleep and said, “They’re feed us real good. I had salmon for dinner!”

You guys.

The psych ward is this person’s quiet camp.

I re-read my post about my quiet camp experience and discovered that I created my own psych ward. Only I was allowed to walk outside in the green grass and trees. I was also allowed to have my phone, pen and notebook.

But sometimes we need all the things taken away from us so that we can let it go and just rest. It seems that this is exactly what this person was experiencing. A forced shut-down for a short period of time.

But, what happens when they have to re-enter their life? With its hardships and our mental state being only temporarily helped by the rest and nourishment received by the stay in hospital?

Our home lives must be places of rest and rejuvenation. Our regular lives must allow us space and time to heal. Or we are going to end up cycling back to the same place with the same problems.

I’m not about that negative cycle life. I’d much rather work to change and build a new thing, than continuing a nasty cycle of pain and suffering.

I don’t get the point of calling people who need healing and change “crazy” and locking them up in a hospital. Sometimes we need saving from ourselves, yes, but don’t call us crazy. Or, if you do, then we’re all crazy. All of us need rest and nourishment. Some of us are literally driven into a place where we cannot function at all anymore. We are simply done. We have nothing left to give. There is no fight left. And that’s when we end up in hospitals.

But do we find healing there? Lasting healing?

I don’t know.

But what I do know, is this:

Things have got to change.

There is no amount of effort that isn’t worth change. Not for me. I’ve seen what years of working for change can do in my own life. I put loads and loads of my time and money into counseling, retreats, reading books, mentoring, accountability groups and more in order to change myself. In order to transform myself into … me! A joy-filled, peace-loving, unchained version of me.

I lived for many, many years with the chains of other people’s expectations upon me. It took a mental and physical toll on me.

Today, I am a transformed person. And it seems that I will continue to transform as I continue to put time, money and effort into counseling, books, retreats and supportive (as well as challenging) friendships.

The truth is, I am in a good place now. I know what I need and I know how to get it and I do not apologize for my needs.

If I could just get more rest, though…things would be even better! I wouldn’t end up crying and wailing on the couch because I just CAN’T COPE. (Yeah, this was me this morning.) My brain would be able to function. All the “pistons” in my brain would be firing, so to speak.

For years I was on serotonin related anti-depressants and I can tell now that when I don’t rest enough my serotonin levels are affected negatively. (Isn’t that awesome?! I can tell now! I don’t need anyone else to tell me! Like a psychiatrist, doctor or counselor. Yay!!!)

When my brain hasn’t had enough rest, it simply functions tired. Less serotonin gets passed around up there.

Simple and true.

I know because I’ve tested this theory many, many times. I sleep and whatever thing I couldn’t cope with before is much less daunting when I wake. Joy comes in the morning, as they say. For me, it’s true.

So, you can bet your boots that I will be napping later today. Once the kid’s at daycare (and having a BLAST without me, I might add) and I’ve had lunch, I will rest.

Rest and nourishment.

It’s so simple.

At least something in life is simple, right? Whew.

Make Time For Nothing

Making time for nothing seems like a ridiculous notion.

But what would it feel like to have nothing pressing on you? Nothing demanding your time? Nothing to take care of except your normal, every day bodily needs like drinking water, eating nourishing food, using the restroom and resting as needed.

This is what I experienced at Quiet Camp.

A whole week of nothing.

And it was not a waste of my time. In fact, it was some of the best spent time I’ve had in quite some time.

Our society values hard work. It values it so much that people find it perfectly reasonable to work at the expense of one’s physical, emotional and mental health. There are so many professions and lines of work in which this is 100% normal. And often our solution is to numb out, ignore the issues that created the disfunction, and to just keep pushing on.

There are times when pushing on, despite failing health and wellness, is absolutely necessary. There are seasons to life. There is an ebb and flow to the work load that we are called to do at different times. But that’s just it. These seasons of hard, hard work have turned into an all-year event.

Imagine if it were summer ALL THE TIME. Whatever your summer looks like, imagine that it was always like that. Even in temperate areas on this planet, there is change throughout the year. There are seasons. Imagine that it was the same all the time.

We need seasons of nothing sprinkled throughout our years, our months, our weeks and maybe even our days.

That’s what the concept of Sabbath touches. This need for seasons of nothing amidst our hard work.

It’s okay to be tired. So many of us are tired these days. The problem is that we seem to stay tired. And we can’t be forces for wholeness and love and revolution if we stay tired all the time.

Perhaps it is more appropriate if I only speak for myself. Allow me to re-phrase: I can’t be a force for wholeness and love and revolution if I stay tired all the time. I’ll just stay grumpy and short-tempered and unhappy. I don’t want that for myself, let alone my family or friends.

I can see why I am tired. I have a toddler who doesn’t stop. Every waking moment is chock-full of exploring, playing, learning, cooking food, eating, etc. She’s constantly changing. Plus, I’m a wife and my husband and I have to try to keep a house clean and orderly. Mostly we can’t keep up. We have friends and a faith community that we expend a lot of time and energy on. There’s not much time left for cleaning or nothing. A.K.A. Sabbath.

But, in all of this, we find joy and fulfillment. Yet, we are also tired.

So, I am left wondering what good things to say no to in order to carve out time for nothing.

When I returned from Quiet Camp, I felt resilient, joyful and energized in a way I have not in years.

Now, I understand the value of sabbath. I want to get back to that place. I want to learn to prioritize time for nothing.

Despite how against the grain this is, I will make time for nothing. I will let go of the to do list during my nothing times. I will order my days, weeks, and months for nothing time. I will keep an eye on my priorities and let the rest go. Things that aren’t a priority, I will say no to.

Because I want to be able to relax and enjoy watching my toddler pick sprinkles off her doughnut. I want to run around the house holding my toddler while we chase Daddy. And I want to sit, breathe and enjoy a cup of coffee that is actually hot.

It’s the little things that bring joy to our lives.

Nothing time makes time for these little things. Nothing time makes time for us to LISTEN to our selves. Then, we have time to do the things that we heard we needed. Like cooking something nourishing, enjoying a beverage, doing something creative, reading that book you’ve been meaning to read, or just taking some deep breaths.

Sometimes, all we really need is some time to stop and take a few deep breaths.

Let’s make time for nothing.

 

Let’s Rest More

2015 was one of my best years ever. I got married in February, graduated with my Master’s degree in May and had a baby in late October.

A friend recently pointed out to me that those are three of the biggest life changes you can undergo in a life time. And they happened for me all within one year.

No wonder I almost lost my mind.

 

These three changes, especially the first and last one, required a lot of me and a lot from me.

Once I had the baby, I was in survival mode. You know that mode. When you fade in and out of insanity.

I lived that way until last week when I went away to quiet camp.

 

There, I rested.

 

At quiet camp there was no schedule.

Nothing on my to do list.

Nothing on my calendar.

Meals were served at 8:00am, Noon and 6:00pm.

I was not obligated to be anywhere, to do anything, or be anything to anybody except myself.

I was able to show up and be present with myself.

I was able to hear and respond to my needs.

 

My needs were simple:

Nourish myself.

Rest.

 

And so I did that.

For four days.

 

I nourished myself with the environment around me.

Lush forest and wildlife to observe and get “lost” in.

Enjoying the sunrise.

 

I nourished myself with the beauty of the place.

The little things that go unnoticed in my busy, hurried daily life.

Enjoying a rainy day

 

I nourished myself with food and drink.

So simple.

So needed.

Coffee, eggs with sriracha and bacon.

 

It was transformational.

I was transformed.

I re-discovered my joy and my gratitude for life. I had been so busy surviving big life changes (oh, did I mention I suddenly changed jobs a month before the retreat?) that I hadn’t even noticed that I had lost my joy and gratitude for life. Before the retreat, I found myself waking up angry, many days. Angry and anxious.

I believe presence with one’s self, nourishment of one’s self, and rest of one’s self, is the antidote to much of our personal anxiety, pain and anger.

We are living in a culture, an era, an environment that encourages us to pack our days, our weeks, our months, with stuff. Lots of it is good stuff! But there isn’t enough time in our days, weeks and months to do ALL the good stuff. Just today I said “No, thank you,” to a lunch with some friends because I need rest.

Yes, you read that right. I went to a camp for a week and rested the whole time. I have been back for a week and I need more rest.

YES! We need more rest! All of us!

 

Please note that I am not generalizing nourishment and rest as the solution to everything for everyone in every situation.

What I am saying is this: our culture does not know how to help us heal from things that have gone right or wrong in life, nor does our culture know how to help us go about our lives with joy FOR life! With joy for the moment, for the present, for our existence, for the world in which we find ourselves.

We need to figure out how to heal and how to live with joy on our own. Western society does not and will not teach it to us. It can’t.

Especially in today’s world of weeping and gnashing of teeth over the American political situation. We must re-discover our joy for life! We must learn how to mourn, how to name our pain, and then how to HEAL. I want us all to come out of this alive. And this fight requires so much of ourselves. It’s hard and it hurts.

We need healing.

And healing requires rest.

Healing requires time and nourishment.

It is my mission now to re-invent how I do life. I will get rid of stuff–even some of the good stuff– in order to make way for the most important things. One of which is rest.

On the top of my list of priorities it now says:

REST, my love

If I am going to be a beacon of hope, love and joy in this world, I need to make those things real in my own life, too.

How are you finding joy today? In this moment?

What does your path to healing look like?

 

Sending Out An S.O.S.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, many of us get the message that we are supposed to live our lives successfully on our own. We have this idea that when trouble comes, be it health issues, job stressors, or life changes, that we must suck it up and figure it out alone.

This is just not the case.

On October 26, 2015 at 8:48 p.m., a new life came into my world and changed so many, many things.

I have a new definition of hard work. I know now that I can survive a lot more than I had previously thought possible. But what is not new is my understanding that I am allowed to ask for help. There are people who will lovingly respond when I send out an S.O.S.

Her birth did not go as planned, which I expected because I know life is full of surprises and twists. However, I did not expect it to go quite so off-track. After over 17 hours of labor, my cervix was still at 3 centimeters and my little baby was not doing well. We called in the doctor and started steps towards a cesarean. This was more than a bit unexpected and my poor husband was feeling more than a little out of sorts with his wife and unborn child under such duress. So, he called in some support and they arrived likety-split.

As far as I can tell, we did everything right. I labored for more than 12 hours without medication. Then, I labored for a while with medication. Still, I was at 3 centimeters. I have little clue as to why I was stuck, but it is what it is. I am elated that my doctor is so good at what she does because it translates into a healthy Mom and a healthy baby at the end of the day.

Of course, I didn’t know it then, but this was only the beginning of the hard work of parenting. I have sent out so many S.O.S. texts and calls at this point that I have lost track of all the help and support our little family has received. You get this beautiful new life deposited in your life and, as one friend wisely said, “They don’t come with an instruction manual.” The books didn’t really help. The support from family and friends? Priceless. Simply irreplaceable.

Humans are wired for connection. Brene Brown taught me this fact. When we rely on the connections we have built, we become stronger and more able to take on the hard work that life has to offer us. We are better able to rise to the occasion. We are better able to heal after challenging times as well.

After going home from the hospital, I remember waking one night, screaming in pain. My mother was there and she helped me. The doctor said I healed well and I healed quickly from the surgery. I credit this to all the support we received.

To the many, many friends and family whom I have texted and called at all hours of the day and night, I thank you. WE thank you. There really are not enough “thank you”s to cover our depth of gratitude. We owe much of our happiness to you!

There are people who will lovingly respond when you send out an S.O.S., too. Asking for help when we need it is a skill that is learned and developed. If you haven’t learned it yet, I advise starting to learn it now. Life is happier and much more fun when we are able and willing to draw others into our challenges and struggles.

May peace well up within you again and again in this wonderful new year. Happy 2016!

Actions Change Things

For a little under 10 years now, I have been working on this whole self-care thing that everyone kept telling me was so important. So, when my dear friend, Rev. Michelle Wilkey, asked me to explore this question:

“How can you love yourself more today?”

I smiled and thought, “How perfect.” So much of what I do in my personal and professional life can be traced back to my passion of helping to pull people towards actions that are more loving towards themselves.

I see so many people looking for love and care outside of themselves and being so deeply hurt when they do not find it.

When I was 20, this would’ve described me to a T. I needed affirmation and love from others because that was the only place I was getting any sense of love and belonging. I think this is a fundamental human need, HOWEVER, this cannot be our only source of love or we will always come up lacking.

You can be a great source of comfort, love and belonging for yourself. This plus love from others creates a well spring of strength and joy.

So, how do you love yourself?

I have been reading “all about love” by bell hooks. She highlights the following definition of love from the work of Erich Fromm:

“He defines love as ‘the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.’ Explaining further, he continues: ‘Love is as love does. Love is an act of the will–namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.'” 

Put simply, love is a verb. We love in action and choice.

You can love yourself more today by doing something for you–just you–that communicates the explicit message that you are valuable and worthy of your own tender care.

Answer this question: What do you enjoy doing, by yourself, just for you?

For me, one easy, cheap, go-to activity for sending myself the message that I am valuable and worthy of my own tender care is to take a candle-lit bubble bath. Sometimes I will fill a wine glass with cool water and drink that while I have a couple pieces of dark chocolate and just relax in the bath.

Other things that have worked for me:

• Walk to the park and swing on the swing set.
• Sit outside in the sun.
• Give myself a manicure or a pedicure.
• Cooking for myself. Just for me. Recently this has turned into a very self-loving action. I send myself the message that I am worth the time and effort it takes to make myself a healthy, good-all-the-way-down, meal. Then I store up the leftovers in the fridge and/or freezer so that I will get the message that I am cared for and valued the next day as well.

This summer my favorite self-loving activity has been my trips to the beach.

Try some things. Heck maybe even try some new things! Explore and discover what you like to do just for you. Then, do that thing.

And yes, it has to be a solitary activity. It can’t be hanging out with your friends. Of course, continue to hang out with your friends (as long as they are also sending you messages that you are worth their loving care), but these activities have to be solitary so that you know it is YOU that values YOU. Get it?

One last question I would like you to ponder as you, very likely, struggle to prioritize self-caring activities:

Do you believe that you are worthy of love and belonging?

…

If the answer is no, please know that you are not alone. Also, I am 100% certain that a great many people totally disagree. 🙂 This belief that we are unworthy is what holds us back in so many ways. Underneath it all, no matter what we might say or what others might say, we believe we are unworthy of love and belonging. (For more on this, check out Brene Brown.)

It took me years to flip this mental script. It was a long journey to the belief that I am worthy of love and belonging. In some ways I think I am still on that journey. And it started with me treating myself differently in practical, simple ways. Ways like the ones listed above. Once my actions started to change, my thoughts started to change.

Revealing this underlying belief sheds light on it and it cannot last forever in the light because it is only a shadow. It is an untruth. And so it cannot live in the warm glow of the light.

“Maybe one of these days you can let the light in and show me how big your brave is.” -Sara Bareilles, Brave

When we turn the tide of love towards ourselves, we let the light in and it will transform us. Slowly things will change. The mind follows the body. When you physically do good to yourself persistently and regularly, your mind will change accordingly.

Pursuing Disconnection

I seem to be a bit stuck with this whole healing thing. I’ve been quite good at eating well and I’ve been more physically active over the past few weeks. However, I have not done much writing or meditating. In other words, I’m only taking care of 2/3 of the health & healing puzzle. (I compartmentalize things just to make them easier for me to think about and asses my progress with.)

This whole blog started because I desperately needed to get a handle on the food that was going into my body so that my intestines could start healing. It has taken me quite some time and it has been quite a roller coaster of success and failure, but I feel much better most days and that, in my book, is a delightful win! 🙂

However, as I blogged, I realized that my body is also in need of some mental healing as well. And last October I really picked up the journaling and meditating like my life depended upon it–cuz it sort of did. That was when my ex left and I felt more than a bit overwhelmed. So, I started a daily routine of writing in the mornings as I woke, doing a devotional in the morning or the evening on most days and I would pray with my beads as well as meditate in the evenings before bed. –> This really, REALLY helped. I can’t even explain in all the ways this helped, but for one thing, I found my direction. I was able to see where I needed to be going and go there. I got really behind in all of my classes, but through the help of a wise friend, some grace-filled professors and some hard work on my part, I was able to catch up and finish the semester well. WOO! That’s another win!

But I think I got comfortable. I think my ego got a little out of control. I think, subconsciously, I thought I could get by without doing those things anymore. Because by the time January hit, these self care habits had gone by the wayside. I had abandoned them, thinking that I could do this life well without them.

Well sure, I can do life without them. But it’s going to suck more. I already feel a bit swept away by a tide I cannot see and don’t understand. So, it’s time to re-dedicate myself to those things that only I can do for myself and that only I can make a priority for me. It’s called self care and I’m still learning just how crucial it is.

I think part of the problem is that our society very strongly leans towards the pursuit of disconnection. Just think of all the ways that we are able to disconnect from our lives and from each other:

TV, Movies, Fast Food (no waiter to have to interact with or tip), Eating in front of a screen, Cell Phones (texting, etc.), the list goes on. How do you veg out and numb out? There are lots of ways. (Oh, and just fyi, I don’t think there is anything fundamentally wrong with these things, just that we over-do them. Or, at the very least, I over-do them! HA! It’s all about balance.)

Disconnection is the lazy person’s game. (Read: I am prone to being lazy.)

It means you don’t have to get into the nitty-gritty, hard work of being in relationship with one’s self or with each other or with your higher power. There’s no challenge, nothing to wrestle with, and you can just numb out.

I think I have been pursuing disconnection. I’ve been watching a lot of TV, ignoring the pages and books that cry out for my attention (they’re on the coffee table right in front of me right now, even). I’ve been avoiding the hard questions and the hard word of healing.

And you know what? It’s okay. I’m giving myself a bit of grace on this one. However, now I will do differently. Now, I will walk another path. Now, it is time to intentionally re-connect with myself and with my higher power (I call her “God,” most days).

It is time to pursue connection. Quality connection with people and things that give me energy, light and life.

And just to be clear, it’s not that there is no connection when I am pursuing disconnection. It’s just that the connection is weakened. I want the connection to be strong. I want the Holy Spirit to move back into my life and shake things up. It’s what the Holy Spirit’s good at, anyway. She’s got this. And so do I.

As the saying goes, with God’s help, I will. 🙂

 

Here’s a pic of me watching the sunset at my favorite beach (so far). That’s some self care right there! 🙂

 

And here’s a sunset pic. These are just…oh my lands, YES

Recovery Sucks

A friend of mine was healing from a rather serious foot injury and when someone asked how her foot was doing she replied, “Foot better, recovery sucks!!”

Honestly, I think this is how we all feel at times. Whether we are healing from physical, mental, or emotional damages, we can sometimes tell that things are getting better, but the process is frustrating and long. In my friends’ words, it sucks!

I was talking to a friend of mine who has done divorce support and recovery work for a number of years and after telling him my story, he mentioned that it would probably take me about a year to heal from mine. My stomach lurched at this news. “A year???” I thought. “But I wanna be healed from this now!”

Sometimes I think that knowing how long something is going to take and having expectations around that is part of the problem. I mean, who is to say that it will take me exactly a year? Who’s to say it won’t be shorter? Or longer? I just gotta let that go and face the pain that comes with emotional healing as it comes.

During the months and years after a loss occurs, there are times when we will be going about our daily lives and something triggers this loss and we feel it sort of all over again. In my experience trauma follows the same pattern. It’s kind of like if you were walking past a shelf of books and one just flies off the shelf and hits you in the head.

Sometimes the book hits at full force and it takes you down. Sometimes the book hits at half speed and you’re pained, but can keep walking.

That’s about where I am today. I’m a bit tender from where the book hit me yesterday, but I’ll manage.

Yesterday, I was reminded of one of the more painful parts of the divorce. For me, my ex leaving was a hit to my self worth on a very deep level. It was basically a very loud and clear message that when someone lives with me day in and day out and has to put up with my most unattractive self, they will walk away and say, “You’re not worth it.”

This is the way my ex put it: “I knew marriage was going to be work, but I didn’t know it was going to be this much work.” And, basically, he was done working.

Now, I have lots of people who would and do put in the work and time it takes to be my friend–to be a very close friend, at that–despite the fact that I am not always great to them and that it takes serious work to be friends with me. I love you and I appreciate you SO MUCH. Because without you, I would believe–without question–that I am not worth the work. I would believe that I am too flawed and too awful to stay in relationship with, once you go “all-in” with me.

The issue with my ex is around expectations. My expectation was that he would stick it out. He said his vows which meant that he would work to stay in relationship with me–stay married to me. But, he didn’t. And that surprised me. Not all surprises are good.

But also, not everything that is painful is bad. If you know me and have seen me grow and change since last September, I think you will notice that I am happier, lighter and have that sparkle in my eye that I used to have when I was 15 or so. The end of my marriage was a good thing, but good things don’t always feel good.

That’s the thing about recovery and healing. It doesn’t always feel good. And usually, at the beginning, it hurts more! Healing doesn’t come in a straight line of increasing healing. It’s more like waves. You’re good, and then it hits you. You’re good again, and then it hits you again. But some day, you’ll make it to the shore and the waves won’t be able to knock you down or pull you under any more.

Naples Beach

If you are going through some sort of healing–especially mental/emotional–please know that if it hurts, that’s not necessarily a bad sign. It could be a good sign. It could mean that you have hit on something that needs to be worked on or worked out.

Reach out for help. Healing and recovery doesn’t have to be a lonely road. God knows I wouldn’t be doing so well today if I hadn’t leaned on every single person that I could think of when my ex left.

Friends, thank you for reminding me that I am worth your time and your effort. Please know that you are worth it, too.

Beloved, may you find a slice of peace and joy today and every day. 🙂

This Life Is Not What I Wanted

My journey has not been what I expected or imagined. It is not what I dreamed of, pined for, nor desired. It has been rough dealing with the disappointments of that reality, however, I feel more fulfilled and happier today than I ever have before.

What’s up with that?

When I was 16 or so, I imagined myself married, having kids and teaching right about now. This is not where the journey has led me. I am divorced, I did not have any kids and I am a pastor.

Say what?!

Despite the fact that my current life situation is totally unexpected, unplanned, and undreamed, I am delighted at my current circumstances! Seriously and genuinely so!

This delight did not happen overnight.

As far as being divorced, well, that was certainly unexpected and painful, as you might imagine. I poured much of my energy into my partner and now that he has left, well, I have a level of fearlessness within me that I am very grateful for! My marriage was one of the most important things in my life. But I lived through its painful, unexpected ending. Now, I am on the other side and thriving. The whole experience has shown me just how strong and capable I can be.

Now, about this pastor thing. I spent about 10 years refusing to believe that being a pastor was really something I could do, let alone love to do. But now I can’t imagine myself doing anything else. It’s an amazing job and I feel lucky every day for being able to do what I do. Sure, some days it’s tough, but that’s one of the things I love about it. People are complicated and I get to enter into that and walk with them. How much more awesome could my job get?!

 

Well, actually, through an interesting serious of events, I find myself headed to Naples, Florida for a full time summer internship at North Naples United Methodist Church! I am excited, nervous and totally pumped!

I wonder what adventures await me in Florida. But mostly, I am trying to enjoy today and embrace fully the tasks that are before me with gusto. 🙂

Dreaming and/or worrying about tomorrow has not served me well. Looking around and feeling grateful? Now that has been a key for me in being able to enjoy the journey, enjoy today, and not wish I was somewhere I am not, or wish I was someone that I am not.

There was a time when I would see people’s baby pictures or wedding anniversary pictures and I would feel almost overwhelmed by envy and longing.

Looking at my life with gratitude and letting go of the desire for things I do not have has brought me to where I am today.

That being said, there are some things that we can and are free to change. My health and healing is something I will continue to work towards. I am so thankful I found a way to minimize my symptoms. I have days where I feel nearly 100% healthy now!! This was simply unimaginable to me a year ago. But it is my current reality. I am so thankful!

But it’s been a long roller-coaster like road to get here–to this place of gratitude and happiness. And some days I do wonder what it would be like to have kids or to be married again. I wonder if I’ll ever get there. But I don’t pine for these things anymore. I don’t long for them with an aching heart. I feel free to embrace whatever comes my way that strikes my fancy. Like this internship in Florida. SO EXCITING!

Your journey is yours. Love it. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Post pictures of your happy marriages and adorable kids on Facebook. I love seeing you thankful and happy. It’s inspiring. And y’all are just adorable! Especially those kids! HA! Oh, and pets! Definitely keep the pet pictures and videos coming!

My journey is mine. It doesn’t need to look any different than it does. I get to love it just how it is. I can enjoy any moment I choose with abandon. My moments don’t need to look like your moments. I am free to embrace what and whom I choose. It’s my life. And it just friggin’ rocks.

 

 

Letting Go of Desire

The question that has been with me for some time now is:

How do you let go of desire?

There are a great many things that can and do fall under the umbrella of “desire” such as love, money, education, health, food, physical needs, knowledge, fame, romantic relationship, children, safety, position in life, etc. These are just some possibilities. Really anything that you “want” can also be seen as something you “desire” and that is what I am talking about here.

For me personally, I have recently struggled quite a bit with desire. Specifically, it has been the desire to loose more weight.

Over the past two years, I have lost nearly 40 lbs from doing what this blog talks about–healing my body through food. The weight loss was a side effect of the change in my eating habits. At least, that’s my theory. And yes, I am eating. I’m eating plenty. I promise. A friend recently said, “Wow, you lost weight. You look good, but…I just have to ask…it’s because I care…are you eating?” (Thank you for asking, by the way! I appreciate it! After all the stress of this past year, that is a very valid question!) I’m eating meat, veggies, nuts, honey and fruit 90% of the time. No grains. No starches. No sweeteners–artificial or otherwise. No fried foods. Low on the salt, since I’m cooking it all myself pretty much. The other 10% of the time is when I eat something that I’m craving and then get “sick” as I call it. Basically, my symptoms come back, or start to, and I’m reminded of why I’m eating and living differently in the first place.

Here’s the thing. I never asked to loose weight. It was never a goal and I was intentional about it not being a goal and so, I let go of the desire to loose weight and focused all my energy on symptom elimination and overall wellness improvement.

And it is working! My symptoms are roughly 70% gone. If they’re not gone, they’re lessening or improving in some way. Since I’ve had many of these symptoms for YEARS, I figure it’s going to take time for everything to heal. I just try to make sure I’m eating a wide variety of vitamin rich fruits and veggies. I’m doing pretty good! Just gotta get more leafy greens in there.

Okay, so, enough with the details of what I’m eating and back to desire…

I really wasn’t seeing what other people were seeing until I saw this picture…

Washington D.C. Zoo, May 2009

Yeah, the seal is cute, but it was the tightness of the shirt that got my attention. See those rolls of fat on my side/back? They’ve been significantly minimized. Here’s a pic from today…

And as I look at this picture, I am happy with the change and I most certainly desire for a bit more change, a bit more minimizing, a bit more weight loss.

But here’s the thing. I really, REALLY want to let go of the desire to loss more weight. You know why? Cuz it leads me to be ungrateful and unhappy with the skin I am in now.

That is how I spent most of my life so far: wishing I were in someone else’s skin, or wishing my “me” was different than it was. And I am most certainly DONE wishing I was someone different than who I am.

I’m pretty darn fabulous. Back fat included. 🙂

So, I am just going to keep eating foods that create wellness within my body, keep taking care of myself in that really good way and let go of the desire to loose weight.

I am happy with my body now. It is pretty darn fabulous, what it does for me! And being in the skin I am in, that’s a gift that I treasure. 🙂

I am happy with my health now. It has greatly improved and so I am going to happily continue down this path of wellness and self care!

Besides, ain’t nobody got time for self hate.

Here’s some happy for ya…

To My 13 Year Old Self

When we look in the mirror, what do we see? When I was 13, I did not really look in the mirror and see myself. I saw flaws, but that was about it. I think now, when I look in the mirror, I see more accurately what other people see when they see me (at least the ones who like me, that is). And I think my mental and emotional well-being are much better because of this. So, I wondered, what I would tell my 13 year old self, if I could?

 

First of all, it gets better. It really does. One day, you will look in the mirror and you will like what you see. Heck, you will LOVE what you see!

And it’s not because you lost weight. In fact, you’ll have gained weight.

And it’s not because somebody else loves you. Though lots of people do love you, that was true for 13 year old self as well as 30 year old self. You will love what you see because you’ll finally know that you are not only huggable, but you are lovable.

You are capable of being a light in this world. You are able to create things, to change things, to make a difference and an impact in this world. You are capable of much more than you can imagine.

Things do not get better because they get easier. No, things actually get a lot more painful, but you will remember to laugh and it will get you through.

You will learn to pray in the midst of suffering.

You will find peace in the midst of chaos.

And things will be better.

You will be wiser and better equipped to deal with life and run the race, despite the fog–despite not knowing where your next step might land you.

One day, you will emit a glow, a warm light of comfort and peace and love and people will want to be near you. Heck, YOU will want to be near you! You will be your own favorite companion. You will look in the mirror and smile just to say hello and encourage yourself.

One day, it will be better. One day, you will remember your 13 year old self and you will be glad. Because you made it here together. And really, 13 wasn’t that bad anyway.