We Need More Rest…No, Seriously

Two weeks ago, I launched back into blogging with this post: Let’s Rest More

Yesterday, I visited a friend in the psych ward of a hospital. They mentioned how they were just trying to get some sleep and said, “They’re feed us real good. I had salmon for dinner!”

You guys.

The psych ward is this person’s quiet camp.

I re-read my post about my quiet camp experience and discovered that I created my own psych ward. Only I was allowed to walk outside in the green grass and trees. I was also allowed to have my phone, pen and notebook.

But sometimes we need all the things taken away from us so that we can let it go and just rest. It seems that this is exactly what this person was experiencing. A forced shut-down for a short period of time.

But, what happens when they have to re-enter their life? With its hardships and our mental state being only temporarily helped by the rest and nourishment received by the stay in hospital?

Our home lives must be places of rest and rejuvenation. Our regular lives must allow us space and time to heal. Or we are going to end up cycling back to the same place with the same problems.

I’m not about that negative cycle life. I’d much rather work to change and build a new thing, than continuing a nasty cycle of pain and suffering.

I don’t get the point of calling people who need healing and change “crazy” and locking them up in a hospital. Sometimes we need saving from ourselves, yes, but don’t call us crazy. Or, if you do, then we’re all crazy. All of us need rest and nourishment. Some of us are literally driven into a place where we cannot function at all anymore. We are simply done. We have nothing left to give. There is no fight left. And that’s when we end up in hospitals.

But do we find healing there? Lasting healing?

I don’t know.

But what I do know, is this:

Things have got to change.

There is no amount of effort that isn’t worth change. Not for me. I’ve seen what years of working for change can do in my own life. I put loads and loads of my time and money into counseling, retreats, reading books, mentoring, accountability groups and more in order to change myself. In order to transform myself into … me! A joy-filled, peace-loving, unchained version of me.

I lived for many, many years with the chains of other people’s expectations upon me. It took a mental and physical toll on me.

Today, I am a transformed person. And it seems that I will continue to transform as I continue to put time, money and effort into counseling, books, retreats and supportive (as well as challenging) friendships.

The truth is, I am in a good place now. I know what I need and I know how to get it and I do not apologize for my needs.

If I could just get more rest, though…things would be even better! I wouldn’t end up crying and wailing on the couch because I just CAN’T COPE. (Yeah, this was me this morning.) My brain would be able to function. All the “pistons” in my brain would be firing, so to speak.

For years I was on serotonin related anti-depressants and I can tell now that when I don’t rest enough my serotonin levels are affected negatively. (Isn’t that awesome?! I can tell now! I don’t need anyone else to tell me! Like a psychiatrist, doctor or counselor. Yay!!!)

When my brain hasn’t had enough rest, it simply functions tired. Less serotonin gets passed around up there.

Simple and true.

I know because I’ve tested this theory many, many times. I sleep and whatever thing I couldn’t cope with before is much less daunting when I wake. Joy comes in the morning, as they say. For me, it’s true.

So, you can bet your boots that I will be napping later today. Once the kid’s at daycare (and having a BLAST without me, I might add) and I’ve had lunch, I will rest.

Rest and nourishment.

It’s so simple.

At least something in life is simple, right? Whew.

Let’s Rest More

2015 was one of my best years ever. I got married in February, graduated with my Master’s degree in May and had a baby in late October.

A friend recently pointed out to me that those are three of the biggest life changes you can undergo in a life time. And they happened for me all within one year.

No wonder I almost lost my mind.

 

These three changes, especially the first and last one, required a lot of me and a lot from me.

Once I had the baby, I was in survival mode. You know that mode. When you fade in and out of insanity.

I lived that way until last week when I went away to quiet camp.

 

There, I rested.

 

At quiet camp there was no schedule.

Nothing on my to do list.

Nothing on my calendar.

Meals were served at 8:00am, Noon and 6:00pm.

I was not obligated to be anywhere, to do anything, or be anything to anybody except myself.

I was able to show up and be present with myself.

I was able to hear and respond to my needs.

 

My needs were simple:

Nourish myself.

Rest.

 

And so I did that.

For four days.

 

I nourished myself with the environment around me.

Lush forest and wildlife to observe and get “lost” in.

Enjoying the sunrise.

 

I nourished myself with the beauty of the place.

The little things that go unnoticed in my busy, hurried daily life.

Enjoying a rainy day

 

I nourished myself with food and drink.

So simple.

So needed.

Coffee, eggs with sriracha and bacon.

 

It was transformational.

I was transformed.

I re-discovered my joy and my gratitude for life. I had been so busy surviving big life changes (oh, did I mention I suddenly changed jobs a month before the retreat?) that I hadn’t even noticed that I had lost my joy and gratitude for life. Before the retreat, I found myself waking up angry, many days. Angry and anxious.

I believe presence with one’s self, nourishment of one’s self, and rest of one’s self, is the antidote to much of our personal anxiety, pain and anger.

We are living in a culture, an era, an environment that encourages us to pack our days, our weeks, our months, with stuff. Lots of it is good stuff! But there isn’t enough time in our days, weeks and months to do ALL the good stuff. Just today I said “No, thank you,” to a lunch with some friends because I need rest.

Yes, you read that right. I went to a camp for a week and rested the whole time. I have been back for a week and I need more rest.

YES! We need more rest! All of us!

 

Please note that I am not generalizing nourishment and rest as the solution to everything for everyone in every situation.

What I am saying is this: our culture does not know how to help us heal from things that have gone right or wrong in life, nor does our culture know how to help us go about our lives with joy FOR life! With joy for the moment, for the present, for our existence, for the world in which we find ourselves.

We need to figure out how to heal and how to live with joy on our own. Western society does not and will not teach it to us. It can’t.

Especially in today’s world of weeping and gnashing of teeth over the American political situation. We must re-discover our joy for life! We must learn how to mourn, how to name our pain, and then how to HEAL. I want us all to come out of this alive. And this fight requires so much of ourselves. It’s hard and it hurts.

We need healing.

And healing requires rest.

Healing requires time and nourishment.

It is my mission now to re-invent how I do life. I will get rid of stuff–even some of the good stuff– in order to make way for the most important things. One of which is rest.

On the top of my list of priorities it now says:

REST, my love

If I am going to be a beacon of hope, love and joy in this world, I need to make those things real in my own life, too.

How are you finding joy today? In this moment?

What does your path to healing look like?

 

The World Lied To Us

The world lied to us. Of this, I am sure.

I grew up believing a number of things that I have since learned are not always true. There is a grey area to these things that no one told me about. I never even got a hint! And at this moment, I’m pretty peeved.

For example, I was taught that if you had sex, then you would become pregnant. Like, easily and quickly. “It only takes one oops,” they scared me into believing. While this may be true for some, as I got into my late 20’s I didn’t need to look far to see numerous friends lamenting their inability to conceive. I grew up thinking that the equation was: sex = baby. Simple and direct. But this just isn’t so for many of us.

I was also taught that if you were sick, the doctor would make you well. While this is true in many cases and has been true for me in the past with certain illnesses, it is not true with my current health struggles.

After all these years of feeling sick pretty much all the time and feeling like my body was functioning at 70% I decided I should go to a doctor, again. Because heaven knows I tried seeing doctors when I first started getting sick, but apparently I wasn’t sick enough or something at the time because all I was told to do was eat rice and more yogurt. This time, I wanted to try to get diagnosed. After my symptoms worsened in recent months, I thought, now is the time.

The diagnosis I received?

Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Sigh. Come on. How is that even a diagnosis? All it means is, “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, I wasn’t able to find anything, so we’ll just call it a syndrome and let you continue to try to cope with this chronic health issue.”

Gee. Thanks.

And don’t even get me started on how much it cost me to get that diagnosis.

I am still convinced that the world lied to me. It lied to me about essential and basic physical processes like eating. I was taught that you can eat whatever food you want and not have it affect you physically. With the exception of smoking and drinking, of course. Oh and try not to have too much caffeine. But that’s it. That’s pretty much the only information the world gives us about food and how it might affect our bodies and how we feel. I think my doctor was taught the same lie because when I told him I changed my diet a couple years ago and many of my symptoms went away, he was genuinely surprised. Not even skeptical. Just straight-up surprised.

It’s time to un-learn the lies.

It’s time to listen my body.

It’s time to follow my inner wisdom and eat what my body says yes to.

Because my mind is all sorts of confused. Try to relax, mind. You take a back seat for now. You can sort this all out later. It’s time to let my body take the lead and listen to that still, small voice of wisdom that is within me.

Maybe the next generation won’t have to un-learn these lies. Maybe we can teach them to see the grey and keep their expectations more realistic. Maybe we can teach them to listen to their inner voice of wisdom when they are young so they can spot the lies from a mile away as they grow up.

 

Disclaimer: I will have an appointment with my doctor to talk treatment in more detail sometime in the near future. The IBS diagnosis is probably correct, though we are waiting on a few lab results before making a final diagnosis. This blog post is merely me processing late at night while my mind is racing and not letting me rest. I appreciate my doctor. I just don’t think he has all the answers for my medical issues. Actually, he has even less answers than I hoped he would which is where my frustration is coming from.

The Pros and Cons of Numbness

I spent years of my life numb to my own wants and desires. It was the first time I thought that there might be something amiss with my mental well-being when a mentor asked, “How are you feeling? Deep down?” I paused, to access a truthful answer, and said, “I don’t know.” The mentor said something in reply that was gentle, but that also cued me in to the fact that this was a sign of some kind. Not knowing how you feel, deep down, can indicate that you have numbed your inner self, your inner feelings and wisdom. You have shut it out in order to survive, perhaps. I’m sure there are a lot of reasons to numb our feelings, especially when we find ourselves in situations where we cannot see a way out.

But really, there is almost always a way out. It just might suck, so to speak. The main exception I can think of here is with minors who are often forced to stay in situations that are highly unhealthy because they are not adults yet and are not technically allowed to make many choices for themselves. But that is another blog entry…

When I finally got into counseling and started getting down deep to what was under the numbness, it hurt. I did a lot of crying in that counselor’s office. Truth be told, I went through a couple different counselors before real breakthroughs started happening, but when they did, it seemed that opportunities for growth were all around me! But they hurt at first and they also were a lot of work.

Growth is slow, but I have found that if I am numbed out, it is very hard to grow and certainly hard to grow in a wise direction. We can direct our growth, but that requires that we know ourselves and do reflective work. Numbness can get in the way of this.

But numbness can also help us survive. There is a time and a place for it and I am trying my best not to judge anyone who is walking through a numbness period of their life. I mean, hello. I have TOTALLY been there!!

When I tell people that I don’t want to get an epidural when I go into labor, some laugh, but most definitely look to question the wisdom of that plan. It comes down to numbness. I don’t want to numb that pain out, or any goodness that might come with it. Ultimately, this is my fundamental reasoning for not wanting medical intervention during my labor.

That being said, I just finished reading “Baby Love: Choosing Motherhood After a Lifetime of Ambivalence,” by Rebecca Walker. I think I get why people laugh and question me when I talk about avoiding an epidural now. In the book Rebecca sounds like me. She wants to do what’s best for her and her baby and wants to follow the intervention free model of labor and birth. However, she ends up begging for an epidural and her birth plans go quite askew from what they were before she entered the arena of actually experiencing labor.

Rebecca says that she feels the epidural saved her life.

There are times when numbing things out helps us survive.

I guess the real issue is not whether we numb something out partly, but rather that we just not stay in the numbed out place forever. Extended numbness often stunts our growth and future happiness.

There are many things in life that scare us. There are things that cause us pain. Sometimes, we are able to numb these things out to get through the moment of them. And that’s totally okay. Seriously. I get it. I’ve done it. Survival is important! However, the numbness will hold us back, or down, or however you want to think about it, if we let it continue to be numb. If we never revisit an event and never heal from it in any discernible way, we are limiting our potential for happiness in life. A lack of healing means stunted growth for us. It means the way forward is affected by hurts in our past because even when we numb something out to get through it, we are still affected by it.

An epidural helped Rebecca have her baby, but there was still healing and processing of the experience that had to be done afterwards. Whether we face the pain of life without numbing it out, or whether we numb it out, we must revisit the event and heal from it if we want to not be stunted by the event. All pain and/or trauma requires some type of processing and healing.

But take heart, beloved. We were built for struggle! From conception to the end, we are made to wrestle with the problems and events of this world and survive. Even more than that, we were meant to thrive!

Now is the time to really grow, find our true centers, and care for ourselves in loving ways and to learn more so we can keep blooming, or maybe even sprout new buds!

The Healing Power of “No”

Throughout my journey of growth and healing over the past decade, the habit of saying, “no” has been a surprising avenue to healing.

For my mental health and healing, saying “No” when people ask me to do things sends the message to myself that my time is valuable and so am I. There was somehow a connection for me between having to say yes to anyone else’s needs or requests and my sense of self-worth. Underneath it all, I held the belief that other people’s needs were always more important than mine because other people were always more important than me. While it is important for us as humans to value other people, my values were out of balance. It wasn’t that I was being humble or prioritizing serving others. It was that I did not exist in the equation much, if at all.

So, when I started saying, “No,” it not only was difficult, but it also started to transform my value of myself without me really realizing it at the time. And as I started to say, “No,” it freed up my calendar for other things that were self-caring, like grocery shopping and cooking!

And what happens when Diana is in the kitchen more? She’s eating more healing foods! Hallelujah!

Saying no, even to those things that sound fun (which there are a lot of) frees one’s self up for healing activities like going for walks, taking hot baths, reading something just for fun and just generally doing things that bring you energy and joy! Like play the ukulele! 😀

I still struggle with saying no. For me, the hardest task now is saying no when someone offers me something out of kindness and generosity. Often times for me, this has to do with food.

Hearing the phrases “Let’s go out to eat,” and “I made you this _______,” makes me cringe. It is so difficult for me to say no to temptation when I’m out to eat. And not only that, but because I’m eating and talking with people, I often eat too much and get overfull and then guess what? Nausea for the next couple of hours thanks to pregnancy. (Did you know that eating 5-6 small meals a day during pregnancy helps with nausea? At least for me. Such an easy fix!) And when someone MAKES me something?! Oh man. That’s rough. Honestly, this happens very rarely because most people I work with and see on a regular basis know my weird food issues and plan accordingly. (I have the most wonderful co-workers, family and friends!!! Seriously!!! You all are SUPER GREAT!!!) Being honest with co-workers, family and friends and telling them, “Sorry, it’s best if I don’t eat that…” (which is a nicely worded way of saying no) was really, REALLY hard at first.

For me, if someone makes you something or gives you something, you accept the gift. Pretty much without exception. So, breaking this internal law of sorts was almost painful at first. But I had to trust that people would understand and if their feelings were hurt, they would get over it and things would be okay.

And guess what? Now it’s all good. People just have been rolling with it and I couldn’t be more amazed and thankful!!! Even the hubs has learned how to make chocolate cookies that I can eat!

I encourage you to say no and to be honest about your needs, whatever they may be. You are valuable and should be treated as such by others and by your own self. 🙂

XOXO,

Diana

A High-Risk Pregnancy?

During my routine prenatal session with my midwife, I discovered that simply because of my height and weight, I will be labeled a “high-risk pregnancy.” At the time, I was not a bit phased by this. I know that the BMI charts were created by insurance companies who are experts on health and would know what a healthy weight and height combination is, of course (sarcasm). My midwife wasn’t the least bit concerned because I told her what my diet looks like and my recent weight loss (roughly 50lbs over the past 2 years). My reply was simply, “Well that means insurance will pay for more tests, right?” and then I laughed. I was genuinely not phased because I know that the BMI charts are a result of a bunch of fat-prejudiced white guys who decided that skinny is better. Whatever. I’m long since over it.

But then…

I called to make an ultrasound appointment and ended up nearly in tears.

To make a long story short, the woman trying to help me schedule my ultrasound heard the words “high-risk pregnancy” and referred me to the only place that does high-risk pregnancy ultrasounds, which severely limited my ability to schedule an ultrasound at a reasonable time and place. Now granted, this was a miscommunication because I have never made an appointment like this on my own and I wasn’t sure how the heck to read the order that had been printed. Also, the woman was asking for information that wasn’t labeled the way she was asking for it. So, I do not blame her for trying to be helpful with the information she had been able to gather from me.

The problem here is that this “high-risk” label caused unnecessary strife for me and my midwife and every other person I subsequently called, nearly crying. (I was frustrated and just wanted to see my baby and do as my midwife needed me to do.)

You see, I spent the next hour and a half trying to get ahold of my midwife and trying to figure out if there really was only one location that I could get an ultrasound done. I got ahold of her, thank goodness. She was lovely and patient and straight up said the information I had gleaned was wrong. (Yay!)

I finally got ahold of the right place and the right person and left out the “high-risk” label while scheduling the ultrasound (for fear that I would get transferred to the wrong place, again) and I got my ultrasound scheduled! It’s today, by the way. 🙂

So, all this to say…LABELS SUCK.

It literally says on my chart: “Obesity complicating pregnancy”

Um, seriously? I’m obese? Since when is a size 12 obese?? Granted I’m not a size 12 through the middle right now, but I’m making a friggin’ person in there so I get a pass.

Here’s a pic of pre-preggers me if you’re looking for a reference point.

The high-risk label really did come as a surprise to me. I figured if the midwife talked to me about my diet and whatnot, she could take the label off. Not the case, it seems. It is discouraging to have made so many changes, to have seen so many changes, but then for it to come to naught, in a sense, when it comes to medical professionals.

Frankly, you can take your high-risk, obese labels and shove them where the sun doesn’t shine. Because I don’t fit those labels. And I’m sure there are plenty more Moms-to-be that are in the same boat as me.

But I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. I eat highly nutritious foods—lots of fruits and veggies. I feel better than I have since High School. I have healed and am still on a healing path—spiritually, mentally and physically.

I’ll just need to be my own advocate and go into medical environments remembering how far I have come and how much happier my body is these days.

Eat well. Keep moving. Let your body do what it’s going to do and be the shape it’s comfortable being. I’m not about to force myself to try and fit an across-the-board, generic label that doesn’t allow for difference and diversity. Difference and diversity are what make up this world. And it is wonderfully and beautifully made.

Falling Off The Wagon

There has been a bit of a big pause since my last blog entry. 8 months, to be precise. Oh my! Within that time a lot of things have changed. I moved out of my apartment and into a wonderful house. I met a lovely man as summer was ending last year and by the time spring was just barely peaking its marvelous head around the corner, we were married!

And now, guess what? I’m pregnant! And no, I am not posting a picture of the stick I peed on or a picture of my uterus. You’ll just have to take my word for it. 🙂 The hubs made a joke about how he’s batting 1000. I thought it was hilarious. On a separate occasion, my Dad said, “Nice shot,” which is typical and also hilarious, though I only smiled as if I was slightly amused since I don’t want to encourage the man. HA!

I don’t know if it was all the changes or what, but for about the past month and a half I have been falling off-track of my healing journey. I have been eating things that give me symptoms that make my life less pleasant and make me more grumpy. This on top of the pregnancy just makes me feel out of control and crazy. The hubs says it’s not that bad from where he’s standing, but I feel awful at times and I would really like to change.

In case you’re curious, foods that cause indigestion, headaches and moodiness for me are: bread, sugar (fake or otherwise), dairy products (cheese, sour cream, etc), corn products (like popcorn—OH HOW I LOVE POPCORN), and rice.

Well, my symptoms are back. Skin issues, gut issues, & mental health decline are all upon me. And I tell you what…

I remember now why I chose a different path.

And I am thankful for the divergence from the healing path because it has helped me remember why I choose to eat “weird” and why I take time to shop, cook & meal plan for myself.

I want to live life more fully.

I want to smile really big, with my whole self because I don’t have any nagging itching on my skin, or worries about when the next urge will overtake me and can make it to the bathroom in time?

So, I am getting back in the wagon. I am getting back on the horse. I am making my healing and health a priority, again.

However, I am under no illusion that saying this will magically make my will power return. I have an accountability plan and it involves you. 🙂

Every meal I eat, breakfast, snack or otherwise, will be documented on Instagram from here on out. It might get old for some, but I know lots of folks who post pictures of food on there, so I’m pretty sure I’ll be in good company.

If I have to post on Instagram what I eat, then I will think twice about what I’m choosing to eat instead of ignoring that inner voice of wisdom and driving to Taco Bell anyway. And although it seems like it would be easy to eat something and not post a picture, I won’t hide anything because that feels like lying, which I’m not good at doing.

Feel free to follow me on my healing journey. My Instagram name is dmdbanana 🙂 I will be eating Paleo (scroll down to the “You talk about SCD a lot. What is it and what is the difference between SCD and Paleo?” question) and SCD (Specific Carbohydrate Diet) mostly, perhaps slightly modified since even with these diets most of us still have problem foods among the allegedly “safe” foods on these diets. Every body is different and unique after all! 🙂

Unfair and Undeserved

In one of my past posts I talked about past trauma or grief being a bit like a book that flies off a bookshelf and hits you as you pass by. Sometimes the book just sort of stuns you and it hurts, certainly, but you can keep on walking. Other times the book knocks you flat on your ass. And you can’t keep on walking at that moment. 

As I walk this journey of healing, I strive for those moments when the book doesn’t put me on my ass. But yesterday, that’s exactly what happened. And you know what? It’s okay.

Hurting deeply means you cared deeply. 

We are allowed to take a moment and lay on the floor where that book hit us and cry. We are allowed to call it whatever it is–unfair, undeserved, etc. Because most likely, it is VERY unfair and VERY undeserved. There are times when calling it what it is — unfair and undeserved — is exactly what is called for and exactly what will help you get through the really, really rough stuff in this life. Now, I’m not talking about those things that we knowingly do to ourselves that could’ve been avoided, like last night when I ate something I knew would give me problems and am today suffering for it. No, I’m talking about when you are completely out of control of the situation. When someone passes away, for example. Or maybe you did everything you could do and the outcome was still unfair and undeserved.

Relationships–friendships, partnerships, family ties–are always a gamble because you never know what the future holds or how people–you included–will behave in all circumstances, always.

However much we try, we cannot control and predict the outcome of a connection with someone. But, if we are wise, we connect with others anyway. Perhaps selectively. And definitely with healthy boundaries. But we connect because there is meaning there. 

We find joy as well as pain through our connections. 

And, in my experience, the meaning and joy are worth the pain. 

That’s why it’s okay to let yourself feel the pain for a bit and stay on the floor when that books knocks you down. Maybe snuggle with a pet while you’re down there. It’s part of life and it’s okay. 

 

 

 

 

 

You can even call on a friend, or a few friends and they can lay on the floor with you. Just hang out. Maybe bring a blanket, or some wine and chocolate.

Then, when you’re ready…

They can help you get back up.

And they can help you laugh again. 

I hear laughter is healing. 🙂

Stop Asking If I Am Better

Sickness is a part of life. I’m not sure why people act like you’ve done something wrong or that it is your fault when you get sick. Everyone gets sick. No one lives their life in a constant state of sicklessness–no flu, no colds, nada, ever. Think about it. No one lives this reality. So, why do we get upset when we get sick? It is what it is. And for many of us, it will pass.

But the questions asked of sick persons and statements made to sick persons reveal this mentality of blaming the person who is sick for being sick.

“Are you stressed?”
“Have you been taking your vitamins?”
“What have you been eating?”
“You need to relax. Take some vacation time.”

We all get sick at some point or another. Some of us, more often and longer than others. Some of us have so few “healthy” days it is agonizing.

It’s really a form of victim blaming, I think. The person who is sick does not want to be sick and is probably doing everything they feel they can to get well.

I mean, try telling a pastor to relax and take it easy when it’s Friday and Sunday is coming. We don’t get sick Sundays. Okay? I got sick Wednesday and I preached Saturday. It’s just how things work. And I don’t think I am being bad to myself or my body by doing so. I took Thursday off, even though I had things I needed to be doing at the church. I missed a whole day of vacation bible school! So, I’m doing my best here, but my best includes preaching anyway.

And what about folks who have chronic illnesses?

(One of the topics at vacation bible school this week was how we treat people when they’re sick, specifically sick for a long time. Amazing how relevant the curriculum is getting!)

Let me just tell you now, we don’t know how to treat folks who are chronically ill. Most of us don’t, at any rate. I was made aware of this by a friend at church whose daughter has a chronic illness. She told me that folks kept asking her how her daughter was doing and if she was getting better. My friend looked at me with tired eyes and said, “They just don’t get it. This isn’t going to go away. She’s always going to be fighting these battles.”

And she’s totally right. I didn’t get it. I’m so glad I had this conversation with her because I kept thinking that there would be a day when she would be better. I kept waiting to hear good news. But good news is relative. And now, having walked my own journey with health and healing, I have my own versions of good news.

For me, good news is a day when my skin doesn’t itch.

Good news is a day when my stomach isn’t gurgling to distraction.

Good news is a normal bathroom visit.

Good news is a day when I choose good-all-the-way-down foods, instead of feeling confined by my cravings. (I almost always crave foods that will make me sicker.)

In my case, with some of these symptoms, there are absolutely things I can do to help myself heal and get better. HOWEVER, this does not mean that I am at fault for my illness overall. Blame helps no one. In my humble opinion.

When you ask me if I am better and then act surprised that I answer no, it makes me feel as though I should be better. And yes, I am fully aware that I do not look sick most of the time when I am sick. I often look more radiant, I think, because I am usually flushed and glow a bit from the slight fever.

This is me, sick:

 

Looks can be deceiving.

So, maybe next time I say I am not feeling well, you can just ask if I would like a hug. 🙂

And for any of you who would like one, here’s a virtual one –> (((HUG)))

 

P.S. Asking “How are you feeling?” is totally good with me! It’s the reacting as if I should be better or should not be sick that is the problem. Just fyi. 🙂

Recovery Sucks

A friend of mine was healing from a rather serious foot injury and when someone asked how her foot was doing she replied, “Foot better, recovery sucks!!”

Honestly, I think this is how we all feel at times. Whether we are healing from physical, mental, or emotional damages, we can sometimes tell that things are getting better, but the process is frustrating and long. In my friends’ words, it sucks!

I was talking to a friend of mine who has done divorce support and recovery work for a number of years and after telling him my story, he mentioned that it would probably take me about a year to heal from mine. My stomach lurched at this news. “A year???” I thought. “But I wanna be healed from this now!”

Sometimes I think that knowing how long something is going to take and having expectations around that is part of the problem. I mean, who is to say that it will take me exactly a year? Who’s to say it won’t be shorter? Or longer? I just gotta let that go and face the pain that comes with emotional healing as it comes.

During the months and years after a loss occurs, there are times when we will be going about our daily lives and something triggers this loss and we feel it sort of all over again. In my experience trauma follows the same pattern. It’s kind of like if you were walking past a shelf of books and one just flies off the shelf and hits you in the head.

Sometimes the book hits at full force and it takes you down. Sometimes the book hits at half speed and you’re pained, but can keep walking.

That’s about where I am today. I’m a bit tender from where the book hit me yesterday, but I’ll manage.

Yesterday, I was reminded of one of the more painful parts of the divorce. For me, my ex leaving was a hit to my self worth on a very deep level. It was basically a very loud and clear message that when someone lives with me day in and day out and has to put up with my most unattractive self, they will walk away and say, “You’re not worth it.”

This is the way my ex put it: “I knew marriage was going to be work, but I didn’t know it was going to be this much work.” And, basically, he was done working.

Now, I have lots of people who would and do put in the work and time it takes to be my friend–to be a very close friend, at that–despite the fact that I am not always great to them and that it takes serious work to be friends with me. I love you and I appreciate you SO MUCH. Because without you, I would believe–without question–that I am not worth the work. I would believe that I am too flawed and too awful to stay in relationship with, once you go “all-in” with me.

The issue with my ex is around expectations. My expectation was that he would stick it out. He said his vows which meant that he would work to stay in relationship with me–stay married to me. But, he didn’t. And that surprised me. Not all surprises are good.

But also, not everything that is painful is bad. If you know me and have seen me grow and change since last September, I think you will notice that I am happier, lighter and have that sparkle in my eye that I used to have when I was 15 or so. The end of my marriage was a good thing, but good things don’t always feel good.

That’s the thing about recovery and healing. It doesn’t always feel good. And usually, at the beginning, it hurts more! Healing doesn’t come in a straight line of increasing healing. It’s more like waves. You’re good, and then it hits you. You’re good again, and then it hits you again. But some day, you’ll make it to the shore and the waves won’t be able to knock you down or pull you under any more.

Naples Beach

If you are going through some sort of healing–especially mental/emotional–please know that if it hurts, that’s not necessarily a bad sign. It could be a good sign. It could mean that you have hit on something that needs to be worked on or worked out.

Reach out for help. Healing and recovery doesn’t have to be a lonely road. God knows I wouldn’t be doing so well today if I hadn’t leaned on every single person that I could think of when my ex left.

Friends, thank you for reminding me that I am worth your time and your effort. Please know that you are worth it, too.

Beloved, may you find a slice of peace and joy today and every day. 🙂