I spent years of my life numb to my own wants and desires. It was the first time I thought that there might be something amiss with my mental well-being when a mentor asked, “How are you feeling? Deep down?” I paused, to access a truthful answer, and said, “I don’t know.” The mentor said something in reply that was gentle, but that also cued me in to the fact that this was a sign of some kind. Not knowing how you feel, deep down, can indicate that you have numbed your inner self, your inner feelings and wisdom. You have shut it out in order to survive, perhaps. I’m sure there are a lot of reasons to numb our feelings, especially when we find ourselves in situations where we cannot see a way out.
But really, there is almost always a way out. It just might suck, so to speak. The main exception I can think of here is with minors who are often forced to stay in situations that are highly unhealthy because they are not adults yet and are not technically allowed to make many choices for themselves. But that is another blog entry…
When I finally got into counseling and started getting down deep to what was under the numbness, it hurt. I did a lot of crying in that counselor’s office. Truth be told, I went through a couple different counselors before real breakthroughs started happening, but when they did, it seemed that opportunities for growth were all around me! But they hurt at first and they also were a lot of work.
Growth is slow, but I have found that if I am numbed out, it is very hard to grow and certainly hard to grow in a wise direction. We can direct our growth, but that requires that we know ourselves and do reflective work. Numbness can get in the way of this.
But numbness can also help us survive. There is a time and a place for it and I am trying my best not to judge anyone who is walking through a numbness period of their life. I mean, hello. I have TOTALLY been there!!
When I tell people that I don’t want to get an epidural when I go into labor, some laugh, but most definitely look to question the wisdom of that plan. It comes down to numbness. I don’t want to numb that pain out, or any goodness that might come with it. Ultimately, this is my fundamental reasoning for not wanting medical intervention during my labor.
That being said, I just finished reading “Baby Love: Choosing Motherhood After a Lifetime of Ambivalence,” by Rebecca Walker. I think I get why people laugh and question me when I talk about avoiding an epidural now. In the book Rebecca sounds like me. She wants to do what’s best for her and her baby and wants to follow the intervention free model of labor and birth. However, she ends up begging for an epidural and her birth plans go quite askew from what they were before she entered the arena of actually experiencing labor.
Rebecca says that she feels the epidural saved her life.
There are times when numbing things out helps us survive.
I guess the real issue is not whether we numb something out partly, but rather that we just not stay in the numbed out place forever. Extended numbness often stunts our growth and future happiness.
There are many things in life that scare us. There are things that cause us pain. Sometimes, we are able to numb these things out to get through the moment of them. And that’s totally okay. Seriously. I get it. I’ve done it. Survival is important! However, the numbness will hold us back, or down, or however you want to think about it, if we let it continue to be numb. If we never revisit an event and never heal from it in any discernible way, we are limiting our potential for happiness in life. A lack of healing means stunted growth for us. It means the way forward is affected by hurts in our past because even when we numb something out to get through it, we are still affected by it.
An epidural helped Rebecca have her baby, but there was still healing and processing of the experience that had to be done afterwards. Whether we face the pain of life without numbing it out, or whether we numb it out, we must revisit the event and heal from it if we want to not be stunted by the event. All pain and/or trauma requires some type of processing and healing.
But take heart, beloved. We were built for struggle! From conception to the end, we are made to wrestle with the problems and events of this world and survive. Even more than that, we were meant to thrive!
Now is the time to really grow, find our true centers, and care for ourselves in loving ways and to learn more so we can keep blooming, or maybe even sprout new buds!
Searching For Health And Healing Through Food 