For a little under 10 years now, I have been working on this whole self-care thing that everyone kept telling me was so important. So, when my dear friend, Rev. Michelle Wilkey, asked me to explore this question:
“How can you love yourself more today?”
I smiled and thought, “How perfect.” So much of what I do in my personal and professional life can be traced back to my passion of helping to pull people towards actions that are more loving towards themselves.
I see so many people looking for love and care outside of themselves and being so deeply hurt when they do not find it.
When I was 20, this would’ve described me to a T. I needed affirmation and love from others because that was the only place I was getting any sense of love and belonging. I think this is a fundamental human need, HOWEVER, this cannot be our only source of love or we will always come up lacking.
You can be a great source of comfort, love and belonging for yourself. This plus love from others creates a well spring of strength and joy.
So, how do you love yourself?
I have been reading “all about love” by bell hooks. She highlights the following definition of love from the work of Erich Fromm:
“He defines love as ‘the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.’ Explaining further, he continues: ‘Love is as love does. Love is an act of the will–namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.'”
Put simply, love is a verb. We love in action and choice.
You can love yourself more today by doing something for you–just you–that communicates the explicit message that you are valuable and worthy of your own tender care.
Answer this question: What do you enjoy doing, by yourself, just for you?
For me, one easy, cheap, go-to activity for sending myself the message that I am valuable and worthy of my own tender care is to take a candle-lit bubble bath. Sometimes I will fill a wine glass with cool water and drink that while I have a couple pieces of dark chocolate and just relax in the bath.
Other things that have worked for me:
- Walk to the park and swing on the swing set.
- Sit outside in the sun.
- Give myself a manicure or a pedicure.
- Cooking for myself. Just for me. Recently this has turned into a very self-loving action. I send myself the message that I am worth the time and effort it takes to make myself a healthy, good-all-the-way-down, meal. Then I store up the leftovers in the fridge and/or freezer so that I will get the message that I am cared for and valued the next day as well.
This summer my favorite self-loving activity has been my trips to the beach.
Try some things. Heck maybe even try some new things! Explore and discover what you like to do just for you. Then, do that thing.
And yes, it has to be a solitary activity. It can’t be hanging out with your friends. Of course, continue to hang out with your friends (as long as they are also sending you messages that you are worth their loving care), but these activities have to be solitary so that you know it is YOU that values YOU. Get it?
One last question I would like you to ponder as you, very likely, struggle to prioritize self-caring activities:
Do you believe that you are worthy of love and belonging?
…
If the answer is no, please know that you are not alone. Also, I am 100% certain that a great many people totally disagree. 🙂 This belief that we are unworthy is what holds us back in so many ways. Underneath it all, no matter what we might say or what others might say, we believe we are unworthy of love and belonging. (For more on this, check out Brene Brown.)
It took me years to flip this mental script. It was a long journey to the belief that I am worthy of love and belonging. In some ways I think I am still on that journey. And it started with me treating myself differently in practical, simple ways. Ways like the ones listed above. Once my actions started to change, my thoughts started to change.
Revealing this underlying belief sheds light on it and it cannot last forever in the light because it is only a shadow. It is an untruth. And so it cannot live in the warm glow of the light.
“Maybe one of these days you can let the light in and show me how big your brave is.” -Sara Bareilles, Brave
When we turn the tide of love towards ourselves, we let the light in and it will transform us. Slowly things will change. The mind follows the body. When you physically do good to yourself persistently and regularly, your mind will change accordingly.
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